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Called To Ordure


Leaders of all of Dorset's major political parties were united today in their denial that they were a complete waste of time and responsible for pumping thousands of tonnes of verbal sewage into the public sphere. A recent report from the Dorset Environment Agency had suggested that levels of mildly toxic debate amongst the leaders was the highest ever recorded during a DHRA election campaign*.


* On a more positive note levels of Free Radical Debate have fallen sharply thanks in no small measure to the liberal use of speech suppressants and other thought inhibitors - notably: boredom, apathy, disillusion, alienation and ennui.


The plight of the major party leaders has been satirized many times in the past but hitherto not by and for 8 year olds

During the Campaign, the various parties have agreed on very little, so it came as a welcome change of mood as they joined together to deny - more strenuously than they have asserted anything so far - that they were out of ideas, deaf to voter opinion, unlikely to make a difference and doing little more than "pissing in the wind". Asked if they were the best the country had to offer, Sir Blithering Ijot [Conservative and Unionist Party] said he believed in life after Parliament, Lady Pier Stoma [Trans-Labour Party] said there was a gaping hole in the side of the body politic, Sir Ed Case [Illib Non-Dems] said he was enjoying the ride [believed to be a reference either to the Waltzer of the Water Splash] whilst Noel Faraaago [Reformation and Renaissance Party] said too many Cornish Pasties had been allowed through the notoriously porous Dorset borders.


Whilst it is generally accepted that all sides are either whistling to keep their spirits up or keeping as quiet as possible in case any real ideas leak out during the campaign, surveys suggest that only the Illib Non-Dems are confident enough to encourage supporters to put banners outside their houses. Asked what they were confident about, party leader Sir Ed Case suggested they were very confident that they would not be forming a government and fairly confident they could be an historically useless opposition. On these two matters, if nothing else, he told rescuers, "we have a settled view".

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