Cock Tales

Reporters for the Sydling St Nicholas Sun dispatched to the island of Zakynthos to stalk much-loved Dorset celebrity Ms Shelley-Lulette Sizemore were delighted to have snatched this photograph of her as she prepared to wash her smalls in the sun-dappled azure sea.

Following further revelations in the Sydling St Nicholas Sun concerning the "antics" of Ms Shelley-Lulette Sizemore and her friends ["Caught with her pants down" is one of the more lurid articles], professorthrupiece.com understands that the celebrity authoress and former horizontal jogging partner of Professor Brian Thrupiece has now decamped to another hotel on the island paradise of Zakynthos in an unquestionably vain attempt to escape the rampaging press pack dogging her every step. We further understand that her whereabouts - which she must have hoped against hope would be kept top secret - have been exposed by a small boy - known to locals as Mendacious Markos [απίστευτο μάρκο or apístefto Márko] - currently in the employ of reporters from the Sun. It is understood the boy was paid more than 12 euros to follow Ms Sizemore as she fled the Hotel Tortues Massacrées and sought refuge in the Hotel Erotica.

Ms Sizemore enters the Hotel Erotica in Kalamakis, Zakynthos. Wanting only to be alone, she has found more than a dozen reporters and photographers waiting and watching at every turn.

An English couple from Cambridge who changed hotels at the same time as Ms Sizemore believe that her decision may have been a result of her continuing harassment but believe that it may also be based on disappointment with the range of cocktails available at the Hotel Tortues Massacrées - a mere 200 [each with more improbably innuendo-laden names than you can shake an Angel's Tit* at] compared to the Erotica's 537.

"At the Erotica you can get a Dirty Whore's Bath [quite appropriate if the Sydling St Nicholas Sun is to be believed [SubEd]], A Bend Over Shelley, A Leg Spreader, A Slippery Nipple, A Creamy Pussy and A Tight Snatch as well as a Sit on My Face and a Suck, Bang and Blow", says Ms Le Bling, whose knowledge of such things, according to husband Roy, is encyclopaedic, frightening and largely based on extensive sampling over a number of summers. "She's had more Screaming Orgasms than any woman of her age has a right to survive", he said last night, shortly after borrowing a wheelbarrow from a local garden centre to ensure her safe return to their hotel room.**

Editors Note and Reassurance: **Sadly these are indeed real cocktail names as listed in the 2004 edition of the Royal Dorset Sommeliers and Cocktail Waiters Digest of Liquid Bar Provender, Threadbone Professional Manuals, The Threadbone Press.

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FREE GIFT:

How to make the perfect Angel's Tit by Auer Barr-Mann

Ingredients

Parts ML OZ

1 Part Cream

1 Part Maraschino Liqueur

1 Whole Maraschino Berry

How to mix

Add all ingredients into a cocktail glass. Garnish with a maraschino berry.