Updated: Jun 14, 2020
As large crowds - defying all self-isolating, socially-distanced lockdown rules - gathered outside the Assembly Hall [formerly Labour Exchange] Stinsford yesterday, fears grew that the anti-CONTRIK-69 Police Emergency Measures protests were now "out of control".
The mass protest designed originally to bring pressure to bear on the Stinsford local police authorities whose interpretation of the new laws has been notably draconian, has recently turned "a bit nasty" as, according to police sources, "thugs, anarchists, Distinction Rebellion activists, nursery school children and frustrated Anglican church-goers" joined the movement, perverting its original purposes and mobilising a general attack on our shared, time-honoured and much-cherished values".
Attention switched yesterday to the Stinsford Assembly Hall which, as a result of its historic connection with "the early 20th century labour market" has often drawn the ire of reformers. Once huge lines of men assembled outside its doors in what has recently been described by social historian Ifeal Yerpane as a "humiliating chain of human misery staining the streets of Stinsford as they sought work in local shops and offices or dole if none was available". The building ceased to be a Labour Exchange in the 1980s but has remained to many a symbol of oppressive unemployment-related inequality. During last year's Distinction Rebellion riots, two men climbed onto the roof and ritually burned images of CBEs, OBEs, MBEs and even BEMs before one dropped his cigarette lighter and had to be taken to Herston General Hospital with light burns to his recently-acquired designer trainers.
However, many - including supporters of the original protests - have been shocked by yesterday's attempted assault on the statue of Ms Shelley-Lulette Sizemore As Earth Mother which stands on a plinth outside the Hall. Sculpted by Gowain Greene-Mann and erected in 2015 in an attempt to detoxify the site and bring natural healing vibrations to the area as a whole, the 5 times life-size bronze is well-regarded by many and much-loved by some. "The 5 times life-size bronze is well-regarded by many and much-loved by some" says local historian and amateur art critic Payne Tinngby-Numburs. "It shows a pendulous Ms Sizemore cradling the Earth - though same say she is carrying it within her - and protecting us all from environmental destruction. It is generally regarded as a benign - even healing - object and we are so pleased that the currently much reviled RDC managed to foil the attempt by local boy-scouts to scale it". "Ends do not justify means", she added, "as I frequently say to my partner Rodney as he fumbles inexpertly to try to pleasure me".
A spokesperson for the RDC would only confirm that "A certain object said to be of artistic value was targeted by mindless thugs. Fortunately the swift actions of our quick-witted officers thwarted their evil intentions and no harm was done to the object in question. We would like to express our thanks to the general public who assisted us in our counter-terrorist efforts by lying down still once we had knocked them to the ground even though several were in some discomfort. In this way they greatly facilitated our efforts to bring this incident to a satisfactory conclusion".