Disappointed residents of Winterborne Zelston, were said to be asking for a rebate on their council tax today after expressing some dismay over the annual Christmas light show which was switched on yesterday by local celebrity Nigel Fitzallan-Montealegre (aka "Shitrag") one of the last surviving members of the original Boners lineup. The group, which will be forever associated with lead singer and solo star Ziggy Osmington, has been inactive for some time. Mr Fitzallan-Montealegre has not been seen publicly since an unfortunate incident with a lampost outside his home in May 2018. [HERE]
Famed far and wide [crowds attend from as far away as Winterborne Came, Winterborne Herringston, Winterborne Houghton, Winterborne Kingston, Winterborne St Martin, Winterborne Monkton, Winterborne Stickland, Winterborne Whitechurch, Winterbourne Abbas and Winterbourne Steepleton] the Winterborne Zelston Christmas lights were, council official Bytha Booke admitted today, "a bit of a disappointment to an unspecified number of persons". Speaking from her home, where she is on semi-permanent furlough, she blamed principally the current pandemic though admitted there might be other causes as well. "In simple, laypersons terms, the principal culprit is the pandemic together with the clear and strict consequential requirement that all illuminations [including eco-compliant filament-based ethically-sourced decoratives] should be socially distanced. If your basic illumination elements have to be masked, protectively-shielded and two meters apart, it's difficult to achieve the lux-values [or their equivalent] generally deemed necessary for a good local-authority-compliant equal-opportunity risk-attenuated Health and Safety Committee-approved exterior display. Of course, one person's good local-authority-compliant equal-opportunity risk-attenuated Health and Safety Committee-approved exterior display is another person's Blackpool illuminations so you can't please everyone. That's why the council's clear, unequivocal and diversity/equality-agenda approved and independently monitored future-proofed going-forward policy states: "If you can't please everyone, then try pleasing no-one" and I think that's what we have achieved here. No-one's happy so I think we can be. Somehow that's got lost in all the disappointment and fuss."
In the meantime, many residents of Winterborne Zelston remain as unhappy as they are unconvinced. One local shopkeeper described the display as "rubbish", though admitted others had more nuanced views: "My friend next door, the proprietor of Statutory Vape, for instance, says they are "complete f*****g gob-sh*te, w**k-splat, a**e c**p".