A Cambridge College which boasts amongst its distinguished alumni a famous scientist, diplomat, artist, photographer, raconteur and horizontal jogger [Professor Brian Thrupiece] today stands accused of "hunting down donors like criminals" after it sought to pursue the thrupieceorganisation, Threadbone Corporation, the Hornimint Companies and "all known associate enterprises" for monies it claims it is owed as a result of its financial support to Professor Brian Thrupiece during his time as a research student at the College. The ancient foundation - which cannot be named for legal reasons but is known to lawyers as as *CC - is believed to have filed for "retrospective royalties" in recognition of its £33 award to the Professor in the early 1960s when he was pursuing the embryonic research which would eventually result in what has come to be known as the thrupiecediet™. The sums now claimed in return are said to be staggering*.
*According to retail analysts the global value of the thrupiecediet™ brand is "less than sometimes thought but more than you might imagine, ie quite a lot".
Originally named the Cambridge Diet - in recognition, the Threadbone Corporation insists, of its geographical origin rather than any implied proprietary ownership - the brand name was changed in the late 1960s after a High Court ruling and in deference to the "other Cambridge Diet", some of the profits from which went, ironically, to another Cambridge college. Since its launch in the late 1960s, the thrupiecediet™ has come to dominate the slimming market worldwide, promoted by, amongst others, superstar slimmer, fitness the threadboneway™ (and Dorset Slimmer of the Year 2007-8) Brenda Oats. [For a full history of the thrupiecediet™ CLICK HERE
Fellow for Rape and Pillage at *CC Mr Bloodfromastone Strongarm is well known to alumni for his ability to "batter them senseless with letters and emails until such time as they give in to her entreaties". 'Not for nothing is the College's unofficial fundraising motto " we don't take yes for an answer" ' says alumnus Bjorn Penniless who re-mortgaged his home recently after the College tracked him down in a small hamlet in Östergötland.
Meanwhile Master and former Chief Druid Hawthorn Stragglybeard defended the College's “assertive and relentless stance” towards fundraising and denied that its Governing Body was “a bunch of greedy grasping bastards”, insisting instead that asking for what was historically due was a matter of principle based upon the long established custom of tithes which demand that alumni of the college give 9/10ths of their income and/or the shirts off their backs to the institution which once nurtured them. “How else will we pay for costly vanity projects, capital-intensive building ambitions, pointless synthetic schemes and other diverse white elephants?” he demanded*.
* The College has recently embarked on an ambitious plan to build a multi-storey, multi-faith information resource, disco aquarium and casino cinema complex in its Fellows' Garden without which, the especially-commissioned illustrated prospectus claims, no modern college can compete for conference, leisure and hotel business.
And the students? "What on earth has it got to do with them?" pastoral tutor Hugh Givsafuck asked, "they are here today and gone tomorrow... whereas buildings last forever and make us look good; so naturally that’s the priority and focus".
View the inspirational Fundraising Brochure HERE
VISIT PROFESSOR THRUPIECE'S ALMA MATER WEBSITE HERE
[NB professorthrupiece.com bears no responsibility for the content of this wholly unrelated website]