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Fighting Spirit


In a bid to tempt anxious shoppers back to its CONTRIK-69 ravaged precinct, Tyneham's Chamber of Commerce has declared Tuesdays and Wednesdays "Tyneham Is Open For Business Days".


Moving swiftly to reassure the public, Tyneham Chamber of Commerce Chair, Mrs Marnie Küre [née Offers], of Marnie's Nails & Stuff, No 6 The High Street, has said "we are moving swiftly to reassure the public that shopping in Tyneham is completely safe provided we all follow the 15 metre plus rule, wear proper certified asbestos suits and don't walk into CONTRIK-69-damaged buildings"*. "Tuesdays and Wednesdays will be particularly safe", she added, "as we have equipped all members of the Tyneham Cubs and Scouts with high viz jackets and trained them in both crowd control and the latest public safely protocols as well as how to do resuscitation in the case of panic. Cub Scout Chief and longstanding Akela - Kamir Littlebuoy has been at it all week: demonstrating mouth to mouth procedures, the safe removal of obstructive clothing and various manipulation techniques designed to raise low blood pressure. His hands-on-approach has brought them on fast and we are confident nothing will now phase them."


SCEPTICS NOTE: There are those amongst the ignorant and scientifically naive who assert that a virus incapable of giving a significant sneeze to a pensioner is unlikley to have the capacity to destroy whole buildings, adding - in the manner of all good conspiracy theories - that other more physical forces may be responsible. They even allege that the acquisition six month's ago of several tons of high explosives, water canons and two army tanks by the RDC [for training purposes] may have a causal connection to the damage recently suffered by the Tyneham retail district townscape.

Tyneham yesterday. Town Council officials as well as Chamber of Commerce members have been swift to reassure the public that the impact of CONTRIK-69 is not as great as feared or reported.

Meanwhile assorted traders are gearing up for what they hope will prove to be a huge retail surge - making irresistible offers on a number of items. Mutilalations R'Us [12 The Alley] are offering "Three for one" on Sonny and Cher ladies' breast tattoos; Porkers' Pies have a special CONTRIK-69-shaped commemorative special-limited-edition black-pudding [two for a fiver] and Sports Where?House have 50% off all Lionel Messi Mannington City training and leisure wear. [Replacement store manager Tuther Fella-Fuckedup says "we anticipated quite a high demand for these but after the shifty dego changed his mind we didn't shift many"]


Local butcher Porkers' Pies has survived the pandemic by imaginative adaptation allied to the fact that RDC Chief Constable Sir Rising Crimewave - a known black pudding enthusiast - is said to have intervened to save the shop from demolition.

A spokesperson for the RDC said they were viewing developments with interest amidst rumours of a 44th armed-police-led lockdown. "We are seeing alarming signs of the resurgence of economic activity", Detective Chief Superintendent, "and if this turns into a sustained growth spike, we will be quick to act. We haven't sacrificed so many businesses only to allow those that have survived to take advantage of the more open market", he said. "After all what is a police force for if not to ensure an even battle-ground, closed facilities, civil panic, a demoralised population and the capacity to batter local shoppers into unquestioning submission?"


Anyone intending to take advantage of Tyneham's Tuesdays and Wednesdays "Tyneham Is Open For Business Days" is advised to wear a flack-jacket and anti-riot helmet.

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