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Flatulence Catches A Break

Flatulence - the scourge of many yet the holy grail for some (it all depends on the mood she's in) - has been the object of constant research over the last decade with the result than any number of products designed either to prevent or promote it, have come to market in the new pre-post-Drexit era. Scientists fearing that collaborative research across the West Country might come to a shuddering halt as well as sufferers worried that supplies of their favourite cure-all might become unavailable due to customs-centred anarchic dislocation need fear no longer. For today dawns the day all those with problems in the food-related colonic congestion arena (aka the bowelpark) have been waiting for: the launch of the new range of Hornimint tisanes designed with your intestines in mind.

In the raw: experts say it is almost impossible to distinguish Hornimint tisanes from a natural product.
In the raw: experts say it is almost impossible to distinguish Hornimint tisanes from a natural product.

Laboratory technicians at the Hornimint Company's Great Heaving Science Complex have laboured long and hard for this moment: investigating more than half a dozen native plants over several weeks and subjecting them to the most rigorous testing ever undertaken for a market-oriented, mass-appeal, abdomen-focused, digestion-targeted non-licensed faux-medicinal product. Field testing alone has accounted for 12 man/woman hours with more than several guinea pigs taking "one for the team" as they ate, digested and broke wind in strictly laboratory-controlled hi-tech digitally monitored conditions. One such guinea pig who wished (understandably) to remain anonymous told researchers: "it wasn't so much eating all the challengingly spicy food or drinking the tisane-based antidote that took it out of me, it was the constant pressure to emit measurable amounts of wind capable of meeting the exacting standards demanded by the digital calibration technology". "I currently have a ring of Wagnerian proportions and am working closely with Hornimint psycho- and physio-therapists with a view to achieving closure". So we say: Well done Enna Ma of 23 Back Passage, Compton Valence - you've done us proud.

And speaking of pride: The Hornimint Company is so proud of its new range of tisanes it has launched a mass campaign to promote them as part of its Healthy Living family-friendly digestive -tract-remediation product range. And there's more: order 240 packets today and you'll get one absolutely free next year! [TERMS AND CONDITIONS APPLY; wind can come up as well as down, if you experience bowel pressure for more than three weeks consult a qualified GP or consider attaching a basket to your feet and going to a fancy dress party as a hot air balloon.]

The latest promotional video from the Hornimint Company.

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One (or two to the nth) much appreciates your filmic dedication to sublimate elements in the lower bowels, transmogrifying to become a most select higher gaseous domain. This seems to be epitomised in my forthcoming opera - an inverse of Don Giovanni - namely Don Trump, being a Tragedy in two partial Acts: One, becoming his self, and Two - dumping his self in paraconsistent logic. As readers will be aware, this logic of statements - that of being both true and false at the same time and in identical contexts, was fragrantly realised in and by the medieval logic of old Nicolarse Clegg of Cusa, who of course epitomised what one has named the oral anal fallacy (cf. th…

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