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The DHS rolled out Version 32.0.0 of its much-maligned Trick and Trap App yesterday, though not everyone who has been foolish enough to download it was delighted by its new features which include the much-anticipated Snitch and Tell, See and Report and Catch and Disclose as well as the ground-breaking Stalk and Arrest features

The DHS - protected by the public for more than 70 years.

Employing sophisticated GPS technology allied to a new and improved "Dob in your Neighbour" Messaging Service™, the App is now able [a] to determine exactly where you are at any given moment [b] monitor precisely what you are doing [c] identify exactly who you are doing it with and [d] report all of this to your mother if you are under the age of 36. These additional "services" come at no immediate financial cost to the user but do have what Dorset authorities describe as "potentially very costly downstream consequences".

Civil rights activists have already raised concerns about the intrusive nature of the app ["it's the thin end of a very large RDC-shaped wedge"] as well as the spectre of government control over our data, our habits and ultimately our lives; but such quibbles were quickly dismissed by Dey-Ta Logga - a spokesperson for the Chinese developers [螺纹骨 中国工业 or Luówén gǔ zhōngguó gōngyè [Threadbone China Industries]] - who insisted that all information gathered through the app would be used only to monitor the "continued pleasing progress of the CONTRIK-69 virus" and to micro-manage the Dorset population into accepting as soon and as painlessly as possible that anonymity as well as "doing anything without express permission" were both "things of the past".

Recipients of a "jokey GOTCHA message" were less than impressed by the new App. Dorset Authorites reponded by saying they had only themselves to blame for downloading the App in the first place.

App developers have also been accused, given the seriousness of the situation it is designed to address, of an inappropriate levity - especially with regard to its You've been Named™ alert system. A "shocked and distressed" Mrs Ruth Allenby-Allenby of Stanpit who was "shocked and distressed" to discover that a chance encounter with a double-masked, socially-distanced, triple-vaccinated, negative-testing fully-suited bee-keeper in a field outside Tarrant Keyneston had triggered an alert, was further upset by the jocularity with which the message was delivered. "Of course I expected that I would be requireed to self-isolate for a year in a dark dungeon deep inside Corfe Mullen Castle, to be treated as a social pariah for an unspecified period and to surrender all my entitlements as a human being forever, but I didn't expect this to be treated as a joke".

Dorset authorities were quick to insist that CONTRIK-69 was "no joke" but conceded that "our handling of it, on the otherhand, might well be consididerd one".

A "shocked and distressed" Mrs Ruth Allenby-Allenby of Stanpit.


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