In a timely initiative launched ahead of the COP276b1[iii]c Climate Conference the Threadbone Corporation’s wholly owned subsidiary Carbon Generators plc has announced that its own electricity generating subsidiary Fossilfuels 'R Us will follow new, stricter eco-protocols and has made a “binding commitment” "going forward" to reduce its carbon footprint by a “tangible” amount.
This is the first time the company has acknowledged that electricity generation has anything to do with the "green agenda". [See Carbon Generators plc's Annual Report [2021] "Mining, Drilling, Fracking: The Sensible Way to an Energy Rich Future.]
Designed to reposition the company, redress the balance and rescue the planet from inevitable environmental disaster, Carbon Generators plc has guaranteed that at least 0.0006% of the energy it supplies to the Dorset grid will come from renewable sources - in particular from combustible leaf litter. Speaking at a press conference announcing the game-changing decision, company CEO Mrs Amanda J Threadbone said she hoped that this “significant change in the generator’s direction of travel” would pacify its critics, mollify its detractors and woo the green energy activists who only last week blocked the road to the Fossilfuels ‘R Us’s 20 million tons per day anthracite-fuelled guzzling plant for nearly 28 minutes.*
*The protesters were “moved on” before the police could intervene by an angry mob [largely made up of the locally notorious Phuc-Hughes-Hall clan whose scrap yard shares the same access road]. Family patriarch Tommy Phuc-Hughes-Hall “persuaded” one of the protestors to abandon his campaign after hitting him repeatedly with a car jack and threatening to insert a used Ferodo spark plug “where the sun don’t shine”.
Asked if Fossilfuels ‘R Us’s belated entry into the greenwashing game amounted to an "admission of guilt", Mrs Threadbone said that she preferred to think of it as a marketing stunt, adding that a newly commissioned set of new together with an intensive campaign of posters on the 265 Piddletrenthide to Branscombe bus route would add "a veneer of environmental credibility to an otherwise largely unchanged operation".
A spokesperson for climate warrior Regretta Iceberg-Lettice said that Ms Iceberg-Lettice would not dignify the development with a comment of any kind.**
** Ms Iceberg-Lettice is a high profile celebrity nuisance better known as a Greenhouse product [Environment Ed]. Surely a Greenhouse Gas product? [Ed].