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Hit And Miss


Following an incident at the Canford Cliffs Air Show earlier today, Dorset Air Accident Investigators were joined by members of Dorset’s crack Intelligence Services [MI 0797266666668]* in a joint operation designed to “get to the bottom” of the issue.


   *    Please leave a message if number is unattended.  We hope to respond with 72 hours.  In case of emergency phone your local GP who - if not working  from home, not making  face-to-face appointments for the foreseeable future, isn’t part-time and waiting for a new receptionist - will try to respond within 48 hours without guarantee of any appointment and/or satisfactory outcome to any issues you may be experiencing. Dorset NHS is an equal missed-opportunities employer.]


Onlookers who had paid up to £1.25 per ticket were left “shocked and stunned” as they witnessed two near misses and one hit as aircraft from the Dorset RAF’s Pink Arrows narrowly avoided collision with two [believed Russian] seagulls.  Regular attendee Seymour Planes said it was “definitely not coincidental” that two birds aimed for and almost entered the air-intakes of two display aircraft in two separate incidents.  Only quick reactions on the part of the two pilots avoided what might have been a catastrophic event leading quite possibly to the death of the two Russian interlopers and “a lot of ruffled feathers” in Dorset controlled airspace.


Artist's impression of yesterday's frightening incident [Courtesy Sidling St Nicholas Sun]

The one hit is believed to have been suffered by an on-the-ground enthusiast who’s open mouthed astonishment at the near miss was rewarded with “a massive dollop” believed to have escaped from the rear orifice of one of the startled birds.


Tight-lipped officers of the RDC who's heavy-armoured tactical division were providing crowd control and creche support declined to comment to journalists on the international significance of the incident. It is widely believed that a gagging order is in place until such time as the Constabulary's Ornithological Investigations [Illegal Flock Former Soviet States Migrations] Department can capture and interrogate the suspect birds. However, one disillusioned officer who has asked to remain anonymous said: "I don't know, they come over here, eat our discarded fish and chips, s**t all over the pier and fly into our aircraft. I'd shoot the lot of them. Some of them don't even have passports so we've no f***ing idea who they are". PC Withering-Koment would not be drawn any further adding only: "Can you delete that please... I might have said too much already". Chief Constable Sir Rising Crimewave is currently recuperating with an person unknown in the internationally unrecognised Northern Republic of Cyprus.


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