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I Can't Believe It's Not Goat

Fresh from shocking revelations of sharp paractice amongst certain sectors of the Dorset dairy industry come new claims that Crappe Farms Ltd's award winning Barista Brand Goat's Milk is in fact a rebranded version of T&T Dairies' Oat Milk - the exact nature of which is itself still in some dispute.

Forensic packaging scientists based in the Threadbone Corporation's specialist Dairy Products' Brand Integrity Unit uncovered the dirty secret after carrying out a Deep Image Spectral Analysis [DISA] on several sample cartons. They concluded that "though cleverly done, the addition of the letter "G" in two of the images was detectable to the highly trained eye and this disparity was confirmed by advanced photogrammetric measurement". "In essence, though the forgers had taken great pains to try to replicate the original font, they had failed to do so in a manner undetectable by our highly sophisticated digi-ALR [Digital Automatic Logo Recognition] equipment", Dairy Products' Brand Integrity Unit Director Spottha di'Frenze explained.

Experts say so subtle and ingenious is the fraud that only an expert with a well-trained eye could spot the difference.

Unmasking the Crappe Farms swindle in this way has, however, left law enforcement officers in a somewhat difficult predicament. Since the T&T Dairies Oat Milk has been proven - to the satisfaction of most experts - to be goat's milk [masquerading as oat milk], the Crappe Farm's iteration is, unknowingly, exactly what it purports to be ie goat's milk, so that what was clearly intended as a fraud turns out, in fact, to be an unwitting correction of a real fraud committed earlier on in the criminal chain. Whether this means Crappe Farm's are in fact innocent in that they are selling exactly what they says they are on the carton, or guilty because they intended to hoodwink a gullible public, or innocent in that they were unaware of what they were doing, or guilty because ignorance is no defence is, say lawyers, "one for the legal experts".

Thus far the RDC appears to be keeping its milk powder dry with Chief Constable Sir Rising Crimewave refusing to be drawn on the issue of prosecutions. Attending the Annual Dorset Milk Marketing Board Pre-Christmas Ball with his wife, he would say only that Lady Crimewave was fond of "a bit of the old goat", but was unspecific as to which part/brand/derivative of the animal she was inclined to favour.

University of Afpuddle student Di Orea is pursuing what may prove to be a landmark case - by seeking compensation for something that never happened.

In the meantime lactose intolerant University of Afpuddle student Di Orea is considering launching a private prosecution despite the fact that she has never imbibed, ingested or otherwise interiorised a Crappe Farms product. The action is based on a hypothetical, her lawyers Noah Wynn and Noah Fee said. "Had she bought and drunk the clearly misleadingly labelled milk, she could have been ill and could quite possibly have died. We are seeking restitution based on a figure of £35,000 - her likely lifetime earnings based on an averaged University of Afpuddle post graduate's salary - and are quite happy to settle quickly, lest we test the court's patience and perhaps its credulity".

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