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Illib-Undem Scourge Not Surge

Conservation experts have raised an alarm as reports flood in of the devastation of hundreds of acres of Dorest forest - the result they say of wholesale clearances to produce election material for the Illib-Undems whose almost daily junk-mailings have landed on hundreds of thousands of doormats across the county over the last four weeks. Ninety-seven people are registered to vote in the upcoming DHRA elections, yet more than 1,350,000 times that number of leaflets, pamphlets, letters and fake newspapers have been delivered to unsuspecting households.


Illib-Undem party leader Jo Swindon-Town-Footballklubbe lends a hand as the campaign moves into its final week. Pictures to the right show the scale of devastation wrought in the cause of keeping the electorate misinformed.

professorthrupiece.com has been told that homeowners Dorset-wide have been subjected to a barrage of unsolicited and unwanted mailings during a highly-charged campaign, some reporting severe abrasions on letter-boxes and dents in door-adjacent carpets, rugs and mats where the massive volume of literature has impacted.


A moment of campaign respite as two Illib-Undems take time off from their heavy logging to recharge their batteries and to practice stuffing boxes.

Mr Ivor Haddinuff of Belchalwell has also complained that his enforced daily walk to his recycling bin has [a] worn a path through his wintering grass, [b] aggravated his dodgy knee, [c] sprained his wrist [I love tearing that crap to pieces but there's a lot of tearing to do], and [d] strained relations with his neighbour into whose equally full bin he has been trying to offload excess materials. Meanwhile, in Peacemarsh, a group of neighbours have "clubbed together" to hire a weekly skip to remove the highly noxious propaganda, threatening to send party leader Jo Swindon-Town-Footballklubbe "a substantial bill" to recompense them for their enforced expenditure. [Medium-sized skips are available for as little as £50 per day from Threadbone Skips 'R Us, Tarrant Gunville; large skips [recommended for communities with more than 5 households] start at £85 per day.]


OUR ADVICE


RETURN FIRE: Our advice to those who receive Illib-Undem unsolicited mail is to return all communications to sender.

SKIPS: Hiring a skip is an effective but costly solution - especially as you will need approximately 38 cubic feet per week per household. Daily delivery and collection of over-stuffed skips will also take its toll on your local neighbourhood's infrastructure and may lead to additional noise pollution as well as endanger pets, relatives and loved-ones.


A BETTER WAY:


There is, a better way, as recommended by The Dorset Unsolicited Mails Solutions Group. Chair Mrs Amanda J Threadbone says: "If you receive unsolicited mail in your letterbox from the Illib-Undems, why not mark it return to sender and place it in your nearest letterbox. Doing so would relieve you of the need to recycle, cost the party a lot of money, improve the finances of the Royal Dorset Mails and keep thousands of postmen in work during the slack pre-Christmas period. That's turning a Lose Lose party into a Win Win situation!"

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