In what is being described as the shock interview of the century, Dorset's no longer "royal" couple - former Stringbonefellow's co-owner "Prince" Humphrey Whisky-McNightly and celebrity wife French-Canadian porn star Renault Megan - told chat show host Ofra Wingovadov that they were intending to stay away from the county indefinitely and that "for a variety of reasons" would not be resuming their already minimal duties.
Teasing out what might otherwise be a welcome enigma, the veteran TV broadcaster looked shocked as Renault hinted that, as well as lockdown, a CONTRIK-69 related ban on all travel, a "missing" [presumed seized] passport and free accommodation provided by multi-millionaire friend DJ Doggy Style, there were "darker reasons" for the couple's continuing absence and that she had at one point even considered self-catering*. Asked if these referred to rumours that the couple had been experimenting with a range of pancake make-up products in order to audition for this season's up-coming Burton Bradstock Black and White Minstrel Show, it was Humphrey's turn to look shocked. He later denied that he had accused Offra of making racist comments about "skin colour", saying only that the interview - some of which, for security reasons, had been conducted in an under-stairs cupboard - had taken both him and his wife "to a dark place" - a reference which later attracted racist accusations of its own. [Humphrey later clarified that he had intended no reference to dark in the sense of "darkies", rather, dark in the sense of "dark". He also admitted off camera that both he and his wife had visited tanning salons in downtown Langton Matravers and that both had experienced an unexpected reaction "down where it doesn't show". They were, however, hopeful that it would not affect the appearance of Renault's as yet un-conceived child].
[*Surely self-harm? [Ed]. No, self-catering [Culinary Correspondent]]
A snap poll amongst the general public conducted shortly after the interview aired on the DBC's prime time Paranormal - its weekly "Let's Stir Up The Shit" investigative programme - suggested that the public was divided on the merits and impact of the interview with a majority of people of colour believing that Renault looked pale and a majority of lighter-skinned respondents "not giving a toss" about the over-indulged, privileged and entitled* and deeply unlikeable couple.
[*As in "feeling they are owed something" rather than as in "titled eg HRH" which they no longer are. [Ed]]
Unsurprisingly, the media - which came in for its own share of flack as it was accused, during the interview, of unearthing uncomfortable truths about the fairy-tale marriage [including revelations that Renault - a former French-Canadian porn star - had flashed a boob at the Archbishop of Canford Cliffs during wedding rehearsals] - has now gone into full cry. Early editions of the papers carried a variety of stories from speculation regarding a Bookham Palace Backlash ["We are not Papists"], through claims that the couple's B&Q-sourced security alarm system subscription had been cancelled, to assertions that Renault is pregnant as a result of an alien encounter just outside Clifton Maybank.
Meanwhile, in what thrupiecetelevison is describing as "an unrelated incident", daytime television host Sneers Morgan-Freeman has resigned. He had been overheard describing Renault as "a former French-Canadian porn star" - an accusation she has strenuously confirmed. "Having told an uncomfortable and undeniable truth, his position was untenable and he had to go", a channel official said.
We understand that no further comment is likely to be forthcoming from Bookham Palace, though a source close to "the Firm" [aka "them" or "they"] said, "It's a well known fact that the rest of the family think the are both complete c***s who deserve everything they get - hopefully a one-eyed little green baby with fat lips".