It's Behind You [Oh No It Isn't]
The start of the pantomime season has witnessed the now familiar rush to the seaside as factions of the DHRA use the opportunity of an away-day super-saver return to intrigue over an ice-cream and whelks and to polish their various pitches to stage the 2019 DHRA Christmas Show.
First to meet were the so called Lib-Dems [Library Demonstrators]. Under the dynamic leadership of their youngest ever spokesperson, 68 year old Ms Jo Swinnerton-Dryer, the faction has seen a revival of its fortunes of late as a result of its unwavering support for ignoring public opinion and a substantial donation (£10s of pounds) which has enabled it to purchase a reconditioned Roneo machine - technology which it firmly believes will revolutionise its communications strategy. Already firmly committed to a policy of remaining in the West Dorset Historical Romance Union's Collective Purchase agreement, those gathered in West Bay struggled to find policies on which they could disagree but settled on a motion "This is a competent party capable of leading the DHRA into a new era". It proved an excellent choice - the 16 delegates splitting 7:7:2 [AYE, NAY, COULD N'A GIVE A TOSS]. After a round of celebratory Cherry B's, delegates returned happily to their homes knowing they had the right plans to put the Association back on track but would never be called upon to prove it. Their pantomime pitch will be Cinderella Goes To The Ecofriendly Equal-Opportunities Mildly Redistributive Self-Righteous Morally Responsible Ball. Baron Fedup will be played by former leader Vince Cabal.
Next to grasp the proverbial bucket and spade and "bury grandad in the sand" [Mr Jermyn Street was the plucky volunteer] was the left of left of left of left of left-centre Opposition Party [named for it's policy of opposing everything anyone else proposes except free personal interrelations [CLAUSE SEX]]. Meeting in Christchurch, delegates arrived united [in their opposition to Mr Street] but decided to resume their normal business of self-destruction by debating several key issues. These included: removing deputy leader Tom Catt's testicles, removing Mr Street's mandate [the faction's LGBT spokesperson left at this point after failing to secure support for renaming it his Zedate], realigning the Dewey Decimal System in all Association branch libraries, nationalising The Threadbone Corporation, seizing the assets of any privately-educated schoolchild found to have more than £120 or 50mg cannabis in their pockets [c 85%], unambiguously backing LEAVE AND REMAIN [ie staying in whilst leaving the West of England Association of left of left of left of left of left-centre Opposition Parties] and free beer and pasties for anyone voting for any of their proposals. They agreed only - and on a casting vote [Mr Street's vote was conditional upon his being allowed to join the cast] - on their pantomime pitch: Robin, Hoodwinkin and the 40 Fully-Licensed Thieves.
Finally Mrs Doris Endersley-Kindersley's battered and bruised colleagues found themselves in Swanage where they occupied the Grand Royal Victorian Tearooms for a lively debate centred around the party's strategy of remaining in power at any cost and deciding - however the Supreme Court may rule - whether to continue to support East Dorset Highways Authority's decision to suspend temporarily traffic on the B3142 slip-road at Long Lane (Puddletown). Only late in the day did thoughts turn to the group's pantomime pitch. Jack and the Has-Bean Stalker (5 votes), Mother (Theresa) Goose (0 votes), Snowy-haired Shite and the Seven T***ts (3 votes), Sleeping Onduty (2 votes) and Piss in Suits (5 votes) were all rejected in favour of the mildly satirical The Gingerc**t Man (26 votes).
Choice between the various proposals will be put to a non-binding, fully-reversible, democratically-challengeable, advisory, provisional, amendable, indicative, waste-of-public-money public vote sometime in the next 12 years - legal challenges permitting.