It's Grim Down South

Rennovation work at a small cottage in Worgret came to a shuddering halt yesterday as workers, toiling in 51° termperatures, made a shocking discovery.

Fire crews, police, ambulances, bomb disposal experts and forensic scientists as well as a 12 strong team of county archeologists were called in "to attend a major incident" after what was described as "a battered suitcase" was found hidden in a recess unexposed for "more than 5 years". Stunned site supervisor Wirk Tworuwell said: "Yesterday at approximately 10am workers found a battered suitcase hidden in a recess unexposed for more than 5 years". Given the potentially combustible nature of the materials involved as well as the extreme heat, the fragile state of the suitcase and the unknown nature of its content, it was decided to halt all work throughout the county until experts had examined the find and signalled the all clear.

That shocking discovery: [LEFT] the secret hiding place where the startling find was hidden "for at least five years"; [RIGHT] the suitcase which will be subject to detailed examination. On first inspectioin it yielded few clues as to its provenance or potential significance.

That came in dramatic circumstances more than 5 minutes after the arrival of the emergency services when the opened suitcase was found to contain "papers and other materials" which "might or might not prove to be of significant interest".

In other news:

Elsewhere in the county, 2,774 people died on the roads, in raging fires, of dehydration, heatstroke, drowning, boredom [coverage of the DHRA Leadership race was held responible for over 98% of those found slumped in their chairs], poor decision making [food v fuel] as well as long-CONTRIK [0.00000002%]. Local authority experts said, many had failed to follow advice to "sit upside down in a large sealed tank and tread water until the crisis is over". [Those that had followed the advice died pretty much instantly [Ed.]] According to recent forecasts, the crisis is set to end on 29th October 2038 - a date described as "more than a little optimistic", by Fyfe Mullen Disasters & Emergency Committee's Liaison officer Alwys Over-Egge.] Fatality expert and former Radio Dorsetshire broadcaster Letts Panik added: "when push comes to shove most fatalities can be put down to stupidity - either of the people themselves or the advice they were given. With temperature inflation reaching 99% per annum, everyone should have been aware of the danger involved in going-out/staying-in, working/not-working/working-to-rule, following advice/not following advice, opening/closing windows, drawing/undrawing curtains, travelling/not travelling, bathing/not bathing etc. etc".

In Other Other News:

DHRA PM hopeful, Liz Notso-Trustworthy, has relaunched her bid to lead the Association into "the next decade" by promising a freeze on all photocopying charges despite a 2,300% rise in the cost of toner. Rival Fishi Sunpak has described the policy as "fantasy economics", arguing that the recent pandemic has seriously derailed the DHRA's financial plans and that "tough decisions not empty and unfunded promises" were now needed. In an angry statement, rail union boss Spike Lynch-Mobbe said "this is all misdirection and part of the blame culture which is ruining my reputation and that of my worshippers [later amended to co-workers [Ed]]. None of my members has derailed anything yet, though they certainly have the technology to do so. Some form of derailment [wedged points at Alton St Pancras junction?] is certainly on the cards, however, unless management come up with a reasonable offer" [currently in the region of a 96% uplift for an average 12 hours per week shift [ie 120% below general inflation]].

In Other Other News:

In separate announcements, several unions have announced their intention to begin strike action in support of their claims that rampant-inflation / soaring-temperatures / post-pandemic-chaos / government-ineptitude / local-government-intransigence / worldwide-shortages / energy-insecurity / membership-pressure have seriously eroded their standards of living. Affected sectors include: local government, the civil service [not [not] not "working" from home until further notice] transport workers, health workers, postal workers, factory workers, shop workers, office workers, IT workers, teachers, lawyers, accountants, journalists, broadcasters, airport workers and ice-cream sellers [lack of stock and broken freezers permitting]. Speaking after an emergency meeting of the Dorset Resources, Operations and Special Services Group [DROSS], Minister for Planning, Di Dent-Sea-It-Cumming, said: "the general public is asked not to panic [BUY!] as most aspects of life will remain unaffected. We will be deploying what's left of the military to plug all of these gaps. If anything, depleted as our forces are, there should be noticeable improvements in all areas".

Those Emergency Powers in full.