Viewers of Dorset Channel 4 soap Jollyblokes were left “shocked and stunned” last night when several plot lines in the normally upbeat teen drama turned decidedly dark. Up to 3 calls per hour - logged at the Channel’s help line - left emergency switchboard operators “drained and tearful” after dealing with distraught and bewildered* viewers many of whom - unable to distinguish between fiction and reality - had been unable to drink their bedtime milk after witnessing what executive producers have admitted were unprecedentedly upsetting scenes involving several cast members pretending to be actors.
* mentally insane [Ed]
Some of the controversial moments involved a new character on the block - Malky O’Ribley-Nasty - who certainly made a strong impression on debut. [“The only good thing in it” opined The Sydling St Nicholas Sun. "How have they managed to clock up so many episodes without him" asked The Mappowder Mirror. "So this is what good acting is supposed to look like" Dorset Radio Times]. Described by C4 executives as “one to watch” - "especially when we find him a part worthy of his talent" - charismatic actor Charlie Twogood-Forthis-Shower is hoping scriptwriters will be “kind enough to write him out at the first opportunity” and that he can move on to something else “pretty soon”. Trained at the Dorset Arts Educational Schools, Charlie has shocked cast members with his ability to learn and deliver lines in a highly convincing and naturalistic manner - something so alien to the show's culture that Director - Carrie Kachure - believes "it may be a first".
THAT CONTROVERSIAL EPISODE IN FULL
We first meet Malky in the park where he has been secretly onserving the soap’s resident middle-aged naturists (Ted and Joyce Barebottom) as part of a drawing class assignment which requires him to sketch as many ugly naked people as he can within a 24 hour period. Misunderstanding Malky’s educational qualification-based and wholly legitimate purpose, local fishmonger and longtime cast member Howie Overakts violently wrenches the sketch pad from Malky’s hands before chasing him into the local market. Cut to a nearby pub where Howie is being treated for complications arising from charcoal stains by friend and Jollyblokes regular Rav Inne-Pufta [Justin Fortheone-Buttstayed-Phorrever]. Middle distance pan. Extreme close-up. Hard stare at camera, puzzled expression slowly changing to knowing smile.
Meanwhile many fans - who normally tune in hoping only to see more of ravishing lawyer Veryfyme Kollerankuffs’s impressive credentials - were much taken with Malky who, despite his bad boy reputation - looks set to become something of a fan favourite. “Something which fills me with absolute dread” the actor said.
In a parallel and equally disturbing storyline, Scottish-Indian-German sous chef Fried Maahsbaah has revealed that kitchen porter Deep Fried - whose maternity has hitherto been in doubt - is, in fact, her son and that he was conceived “out of wedlock” on a drunken holiday to Tobermory. It is not yet clear whether scriptwriters have decided which of the Tobermorory First XV scrum is the father.
Nervous Channel 4 executives defended the unusually challenging story lines pointing out [a] that this week is National The World’s Going to Shit Week during which broadcasters have agreed to cram as many currently hot topics into their episodes as possible [b] that the Jollyblokes audience demographic is such that many of the issues it "addresses" go over their heads and [c] that regular script writer Cliff Hangaar has been seconded to Radio 4’s The Drovers [HERE] where he is currently upsetting veteran listeners by writing scripts in which "something happens". The Executive went on to assure all 12 year olds that no animals and only some of the so-called actors’ reputations had been damaged during filming.
Here at professorthrupiece.com we will be following Charlie Twogood-Forthis-Shower's career with keen interest and hoping fervently that some good comes of his selfless Jollyblokes's outing.