Leif Well Alone
Dorset's unluckiest man - Mr Ivor Jinx - was hospitalised once again yesterday when, after tripping over a bucket and breaking his leg, he was dropped by the stretcher-bearers carrying him to the ambulance and struck by lightning on his way to Herston General Hospital. Former indoor umbrella tester Mr Jinx [53], who is both triskaideka- and hexakosioihexekontahexaphobic was born on 13th June 1966 with a birthmark in the shape of a broken mirror just above his left buttock. When this, his most recent, accident occurred, he was, friends said, only just recovering from a dislocated shoulder and fractured pelvis following a blow from a falling roof tile as he walked under a workman's ladder in Fortuneswell [!!!] High Street last December. The glancing blow then caused him to stumble into the path of an oncoming milk-float which had reached an unprecedented wind-assisted speed on an unusually steep down-hill section of the carriageway. Ironically, Mr Jinx had not been intending to go out that day (it was the 13th of the month and Mr Jinx had thought it wise to remain indoors) but had been forced to do so when a stray spark from his wood-burning stove struck his cheek requiring him to go to the pharmacist for a poultice Finding the pharmacist temporarily closed due to unexpected staff shortages, he had made his way to Edna's corner shop - a shop he rarely visited - but his way was blocked by a freak flash flood. This had necessitated him using the High Street where the unfortunate incident took place.
Speaking from the family home - the fourth they have occupied in the course of their ten-year marriage [the previous three were wholly or partially destroyed by a falling oak, a mud-slide and a gas explosion respectively] - Mr Jinx's third wife Hex said her husband was recovering well given that a printing error on his hospital ID tag had led to his being given the wrong medication followed by an operation intended for another patient. "It's just the kind of thing that happens to him", she said, "he seems to attract misfortune. It's only two years since I won a weekend for two at a Health Spa and Leifs managed to contract Legionnaire's disease from the steam room followed by food-poisoning from the yoghurt enema. When we got home we discovered he'd left the bathroom tap running and his [soggy] redundancy notice waiting on the mat. When we checked in the garage, the car had gone and the freezer was defrosted - so the weekend wasn't everything we were hoping for".
In a statement from Herston General Hospital, Chief Administrator Burrow Krat said that the hospital was doing everything in its power to identify the cause of, and then rectify, the freak mistake which had led to the amputation of Mr Jinx's left leg below the knee. "He will, of course, be entitled to compensation and a year's supply of right-footed slippers. Fortunately for us the patient who should have gone into theatre has a problem with his right leg - so we can use the spares from Mr Jinx's allocation to keep him well-shod too. Every cloud ..."
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Expert Leifs A Lottery writes:
Extreme bad luck of the kind experienced by Mr is not uncommon. In such cases where normal remedies [staying in, wrapping in cotton wool and spreading salt around the curtilage of the property] don't work, I recommend a trip to Germany where, at a special facility in Bad Glück, a propensity to attract misfortune can be exorcised through a tried and tested traditional ceremony. In Germany, it's bad luck to put clothing on inside out and to reverse the bad luck, you must immediately put it on the right way, then have a friend hit you. Repeated exposure to this ritual leaves the patient battered and bruised but also agoraphobic and so less likely to attract bad luck in future. It generally works, but in some cases, the treatment goes wrong and the patient gets worse. But that's just bad luck.