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Low Energy Exit for Lowe-Wattage

There was sadness and no little sense of irony evident today amongst the several surviving fans of former Boners’ drummer Charlie Lowe-Wattage who learned overnight that the “stoic of the sticks” had passed away, just as his agency - Threadbone Artists’ Management - was about to announce plans for the celebration of its 75th Anniversary. Charlie was, remarkably, 13 years older than the agency itself, having been born to middle class parents in Rockley Park in 1943. One of his personal carers said in an emotional statement that Charlie had "passed away peacefully with a spliff in one hand and a tumbler of whisky in the other" whist watching his favourite television programme Muccleshell Murders. "Sadly he will never know who dunnit", he added, "though in every other respect he was at peace with himself and oblivious to the world".

The Mappowder Mirror - just one of the many tabloids to lead with news of the rock legend's demise.

As the effects of his near 70 year rock and roll lifestyle finally caught up with the five-times married father of eight, tributes poured in from the general public [Reginald and Geraldine Dyehard] alongside several messages of regret from his regular [and presumably now greatly impoverished] suppliers.

In an brief statement, his personal manager, TAM’s Brian Tombstone said that it was a sad day for everyone who still remembered Charlie and that he would be much missed “especially by those who made a regular fortune out of catering to his many and varied needs”. “Still”, he continued, “it’s important to emphasise the positive as Charlie himself would have wished. His death finally puts paid to any idea of a Ziggy and the Boners Revival Tour - doubtless a comfort to some and a relief to many more”.

One of the last action shots of Charlie Lowe-Wattage at the Winterborne Came Festival in 2011 [obscured by a fan]

A spokesperson for Ziggy Osmington confirmed that the superstar frontman was “aware of Charlie’s passing” but he could not confirm whether its implications for Ziggy personally or the group as a whole had been “fully understood”. Ziggy Osmington has not been seen in public for some time. [His last appearance was at the Stouden Park Rockfest when he appeared to be in “a tired and emotional state” before collapsing on stage and being evacuated somewhat unceremoniously by means of a fortuitously-placed Waitaminute supermarket trolley]. There has been widespread concern for Ziggy's welfare ever since, with one fan going so far as to post online a poignant heartfelt plea. "Ziggy where the f**k are you", it read.

Meanwhile Threadbone Artists’ Management remains committed to marking its upcoming anniversary with - it is widely rumoured - an all star charity concert featuring such acts as remain alive, broadly compos mentis and still on its books. The Concert - in aid of the Mrs Amanda J Threadbone Foundation - is scheduled for December - weather, health and favourable income modelling permitting.

Anyone interested in further information on the history and current artists' roster of Threadbone Artists' Management should visit their website HERE

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