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Not Going Out

Former thrupiecediet slimmer of the year, authoress, fitnessthe threadboneway black-belt and, more recently, lifestyle guru to the stars, Mrs Brenda Oats has decided, in light of the present emergency, to share with readers her top tips for getting through CONTRIK-69-related lock-down relatively unscathed*.

* Good timing. Isn't it about to end? [Sub-Ed]. Who the f**k knows [Ed]

Mrs Oats chose, inexplicably, to reveal her lock-down secrets via Dorset Metropolitan Magazine - a publication normally shunned by the Great Heaving set. "She was never really one of us", a friend of Mrs Threadbone said.

Mrs Oats who has been self-isolating with husband Ray, was last heard of when she contributed to Episode #12 of My Favourite Fireplaces - an occasional series in which well-known celebrities nominate and comment on their favourite fireplace [HERE]. For the record, Mrs Oats chose the imposing chimney breast and Regency-style surround to be found in the so-called Grey Room at Mrs Amanda J Threadbone's delightful family home: Threadbone Towers.

Now, however, the celebrity ex-fattie has generously agreed to boost the county's mental health by publishing, via Dorset Metropolitan Magazine, a few simple and easy-to-follow tips and routines which, if followed to the letter on a regular basis can, she insists, be the foundation for a happy, healthy and above all productive life. It can even, in certain specific circumstances, she claims, save lives, thus achieving at a stroke [no pun intended] one-third of the required daily "three" which ministers and health professions say are essential to maintaining the population in good order whilst CONTRIK-69 does its worst [STAY ALERT | PROTECT THE RDC | SAVE LIVES].



In this month's edition of Dorset Metropiltan Magazine cover star ["It's by no means a current photograph", Ray Oats declares sadly] Mrs Oats writes:

  1. Try to wake up in the morning

  2. Breathe regularly throughout the day - taking in air as frequently and naturally as possible is key to a healthy well-aerated body

  3. Try a mix of activities - standing, sitting, lying down - a cocktail which will not only bring clear health benefits in and of itself, but will also break up the monotony of the day. When you have had enough of one, try switching to another in what is known amongst industry professionals as rotation.

  4. Drink liquids and eat solids regularly but not too much or too often [if you get this wrong the thrupiecediet is an excellent corrective - subscriptions available HERE]. Start with a one-day the trial of the BRENDA OATS MIXED-MEAT CASSEROLE COLLECTION or, if picky, the BRENDA OATS MEATFREE MIXED CASSEROLE COLLECTION

  5. Try to distract yourself in novel [no pun intended] ways: television, radio, recorded music and reading are highly recommended - especially the last of these which scientist believe helps improve hand-eye coordination by increasing the body's natural endolphins [or something like that]. [The Threadbone Press has an excellent series of volumes in its best-selling premium-priced Opportunistic Reprints Series - a helpful and instructional answer to "locked-down stay-at-home self-isolating socially-distanced household boredom" [HERE]]. NB: Reading also stimulates the grey-cells [cellulae griseo Poirotensis] of the brain [cerebrum] keeping us sharp and much less likely to become like our elderly, locked-down, incontinent [so thankfully nursing home incarcerated] relatives [inutilem plebem].

  6. Try to socially-interact with another sentient human being always remembering to observe strict distancing rules with anyone other than your partner [But see 8 below]. In the likely event that, having spent much of the day listening to you droning on, your partner is no longer sentient, ignore the words "sentient" and "partner" from the sentence above and just try to find somebody else to shout at - perhaps an annoying neighbour, but always remembering to keep a wall between you.

  7. Experiment with tantric sex - the natural no-touching, self-isolated, socially- distanced, low-risk-of-infection alternative to conventional sex. NB: Since the effects can be both powerful and unpredictable you should practice on animals first.

  8. Try to sleep at night [preferably in your own bed with someone you fancy], failing which, slip out under cover of darkness and find an accommodating neighbour as keen to break the boredom as you are. Remember, however, to slip back home before daylight, taking care to avoid at all times the RDC's motorised armoured night patrols. [PRACTICAL NOTE: Some followers of these tips have found it efficacious to enlarge the rear door catflap.] See below.

Well, that's about it for now. Do let me know how you get on and remember:




OK, OK, I'm coming Ray! [only joking!! That hasn't happened for a while!! LOL!!!]



A Celebrity Endorsement by Brenda Oats

Don't get stuck like this cheapskate who thought he's saved a few pounds only to find he'd lost so much more!

Don't get caught out by a family member - or worse, by the RDC - when returning home to your once-loved one in the early hours of the morning through an inferior brand catflap [illustrated]. You only fit a naughty night-gate once, so fit the best - fit Flexi-portal™®Catflaps by Whisky-McNightly - your low-noise, low-maintenance flexible solution to illicit egress and re-entry.

Your wife can sleep easy and you can sleep elsewhere when you install this easy-to-fit, guaranteed snag-free, unobtrusive, snug-fitting, low-security compliant flexi-portal™®. Available in door, patio-door and low-level window models. French windows [two-way] extra.

Flexiportal™® by Whisky-McNightly Transgressional Solutions Ltd

[part of the Whisky-McNightly Security Group]

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