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Not Me - YouGov

Saintly keeper of the moral highground Sir Ed Duvet declared himself immune to criticism last night and is - according to relatives, friends and loved-ones - guilty of nothing, including charges of doing nothing. "Secure in the knowledge that he can do abslutely nothing wrong and - just as importantly - cannot have the rictus smile of sanctimonious self-satisfaction removed from his grinning visage by the slings and arrows of outrageous criticism - he is soldiering on and - as is perfectly normal - bar pontificating on the failings of others, doing nothing of any significance", a spokesperson confirmed.

All this comes as bad news to those who were hoping to see the county's most prominent Iliberal Non-Democrat humbled by hubris and hoist on his own moral petard as the PO Software-gate scandal* broke all around him yesterday.

* a reference to to what may be a major miscarriage of logistics in the DHRA's postal room as a result of which junior members of staff and interns were falsely convicted of stealing, amongst other items, erasers, biros, sellotape and, in one particularly serious case, a hole punch and stapler set. [Readers are referred to the recent TV drama documentary Master Bates v the DHRA PO for further details.]

Our Political Scandals Correspondent Mandy Rice-Crispie writes:

Sir Ed in untypically self-questioning mode.

Sir Ed served in the Endersly-Kindersley coalition regime between 2005-2010, first as junior Stationery Cupboard Monitor and later as Office Supplies Superintendent [with special responsibility for Disposables] rising eventually to a full committee position as Minister without Filofax. He now stands accused of presiding over, or at the very least ignoring, one of the greatest miscarriages of stock-control ever witnessed in the annals of the DHRA's long and distinguished history. Frightened staff, who have only now begun to blow the whistle, say he oversaw the implementation of a flawed acquisitions system, the inaccuracies of which allowed false accusations to be made against office juniors with regard to their stationery consumption. Missing bulldog clips, incorrectly inventoried ring binders, the misuse of watermarks and profligate issue of crayons head a list of now probably false charges levelled against staff under Sir Ed’s supervision [aka regime of complacent self-important posturing].

The wholly independent voice of reason - Focus - is leading the hugely popular call for Sir Ed to be canonised

It is widely believed that during his time in office Sir Ed himself managed to “get through” 12 reams of Basildon Bond, 54 HB pencils [2 propelling] 15 ink cartridges [blue-black], 193 paper clips, 18 2nd and 33 1st class stamps and 212 junior officers; though political aides challenge these figures on the grounds of multiple inventory software errors for which Sir Ed is "entirely without blame even though he commissioned, oversaw and operationalised the system".

In a stroke of irony not lost on his political rivals Sir Ed - often dubbed Mr Ed* - who has been the Ilib Non-Dems Minister for Calling on Others to Resign at The Drop of a Hat, has refused to be called to account for his own inactions, preferring to blame others for "calling me names, blaming me when it wasn't my fault and not letting me join in with them in the playground".

* a reference to a US comedy series in which a talking horse spouted similar horseshit

Last seen driving a removals van in a no longer marginal constituency, Sir Ed was unavailable for comment but issued a brief statement to the effect that he was beyond criticism, above suspecion and completely out of his depth.

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