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Oh Yes You Can-ford Cliffs

In what has been described as a "bold and unprecedented" [surely naive and irresponsible [Ed]] move in the face of the continuing devastating impact of the Omigod variant of the CONTRIK-69 virus [aka the common cold], the Greater Canford Cliffs Metropolitan Authority has announced that it will guarantee virus-status-indifferent and vaccine-certificate-free entry to all visitors to its environs, facilities and events, provided only that all travellers to the area self-test [“cheat”], turn a blind eye and assert or pretend “in good conscience” that they are free of the disease. A spokesperson added that "all border posts, bio-secure trenches, irradiation installations and high pressure hosing-down cubicles will be removed by next July at the latest".

Welcoming the bold and unprecedented move [see above [Ed]], the local Chamber of Commerce which represents business and hoteliers in the town said that it s members were delighted that the “tyranny was finally over”, adding that it was high time that the world followed the GCCMDC’s example in “learning to live with the disease” and “putting up two fingers to the consequences” [said to have included, in recent days, five runny noses, two sneezing episodes, a sore throat and what one octogenarian doctor described as “a smoker’s cough” [remember those? [Ed]].

Attempts to woo the general public back to a resort which “had seen better days” even before the recent catastrophe will be bolstered by the commissioning of a new poster designed to project a positive image of the resort which incorporates both “a golden age glow” and a vision of a “confident, relaxed and properly avaricious future”. Speaking at a hastily assembled press conference, Canford Clff's Chamber of Commerce [CCCC] Chief Executive Visi Tuss-Soone, said the end of the pandemic signalled an opportunity as great as any since the coming of the railways in 1864 and predicted “wild, hedonistic spending” as tourists sought to throw off the shackles of the past and pretend as hard as they could that everything is back to normal.

That groundbreaking poster from the MacPro Studio. Little wonder that its originators are often described as the men who do what others would never dream of doing.

Designed by the well-known graphic design and PR gurus Maurice and Charles MacPro, the publicity campaign's "cornerstone" poster is already hotly tipped to garner accolades at the forthcoming Dorset Advertising Association’s 2022 Award ceremony which celebrates the work of those whose efforts to divert public attention away from the complete breakdown of economy, society and life as we used to know it, have temporarily succeeded to the extent that fewer than 8 in 10 have “lost the will to live”.

2021's ceremony - broadcast on the You-Can't-Be-Serious-Tube platform - saw the award go to the Mappowder Mirror's Petri Disch whose fake SnakeOIl Vaccine story encouraged the public to believe that if everyone was vaccinated on a daily basis, the crisis would be over by Christmas. Whilst “wholly untrue and palpably absurd” the jury noted that the report had spread more false hope than any official Government press statement and had even raised a smile amongst hard pressed RDC detention officers whose efforts to incarcerate the entire population had been temporarily derailed by incapacitating belly-laughing.

Whilst it is too early to say whether the GCCMDC’s bold and unprecedented [see above again [Ed]], move will work as intended, officially recognised “green shoots” of Canford Cliff’s recovery are already evident. These include unprecedentedly high fuel prices in Threadbone Extra outlets, two-fer-one on mini-sanitiser bottles in Ednas and a free [surplus to requirements] lateral flow test with every industrial strength face mask purchased at Waitaminute’s.

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