Updated: Oct 24, 2020
"Cruel and senseless" allegations that Professor Thrupiece was a Nazi collaborator, helping the dastardly Third Reich to develop rocket technology towards the end of the Second World War were comprehensively dismissed by a Munich Tribunal today more than three years after they were first published in the German magazine Der Spiegelhaltenbusten.
The magazine had alleged in its 11 September 2017 edition that documents discovered in the Stasi's East German archive "incontrovertibly prove" that the Professor had been granted German citizenship in 1941 and fast tracked into the Reich's newly-formed VielversprechenderJungerHitlerWissenschaftler in 1943. Only the Fatherland's top and most trusted brains were allowed in to the highly secretive corps whose sole mission was to develop weapons of mass destruction for deployment by the increasingly desperate regime. Defenders of Professor Thrupiece's reputation have always maintained that it is highly unlikely that the Professor, who was born in 1940, would have been able to travel alone to Germany at the age of 1, especially in wartime circumstances when perambulators were hard to come by and a nanny with a permit even harder. Whilst is is true that the Professor has been widely acknowledge by both the Americans and the Soviets to have been the world's leading methane-fuelled ballistics expert by 1950, friends of the family say he was rarely allowed to stray any further than his laboratory [the Thrupiece's garden shed] until the age of two.
Nevertheless, Munich prosecutors have up until now insisted that the Stasi documents [allegedly seized by the Russians in 1945 but held in East Germany until German reunification] prove definitively that by 1943, the 3 year old Professor was a fully paid-up member of the National Socialist Party, an Honorary member of the SS, a proud "Ich bin einer von Hitlers kleinen Sonnenstrahlen" ["I'm one of Hitler's little sunbeams"] and a "hervorragende Arbeit" ["excellent work"] Metal-alloy Badge holder.
But yesterday lead defence advocate Ausgezeichneter Verteidiger produced compelling evidence that the Der Spiegelhaltenbusten document was a forgery - evidence so convincing that the case against Professor was dismissed outright despite the defendants absence [presumed missing] from the tribunal.
Speaking for the three presiding judges, head judiciary Richter Taubstummundblind, said that he regretted the case had ever come before the court and that, had he been present in Court, Professor Thrupiece would have left it "Ohne Flecken auf seinen Ruf" ["Without a stain on his reputation"]. A wag in the gallery [believed to be a stringer for the Sidling St Nicholas Sun], was heard to say that, given the Professor's well-known and equally well-exercised penchant for horizontal jogging, "it's about the only thing without a stain he would have left with".
The Court has awarded undisclosed damages to Professor Thrupiece via The Threadbone Corporation's lawyers Threadbone, Threadbone and Threadbone.
THAT EVIDENCE: Our forensics correspondent D.N.A. Trace writes:
The original "incriminating" document sent to the defence team under disclosure was a low resolution jpeg image of an SS Identity Card. Happily the team's scientific expert asked for a higher resolution image and the prosecution obliged [unwisely for them] by supplying a Photoshop image from which it was possible to extract its complete and exact digital manipulation history. "Fortunately Photoshop images preserve all the editorial layers in the exact sequence in which they were created", says photo-expert Paola Roid "and by undoing these systematically, we were able to demonstrate to the court how the original document had been altered. It was a thrilling moment when we played the video. Better even than Terminator 8 - and in this case we certainly won't be back."
THE VIDEO: By reversing the changes made to the original document, forensic scientists were able to show how the forgery had been made.