For many self-isolating, socially-distanced, locked-down, stir-fried, home-alone [or worse - home with relatives and thereby separated from loved-ones] members of what was once our local community, boredom vies with starvation as the number one fear. These - together with Will I be able to free the front axle of my 15 year-old mobility scooter? - are, according to the the RDC, right up there in the Top 10 list of Coronabyn virus [CONTRIK-69] concerns [as published by the CONTRIK-69 Serious Concerns Monitoring Authority].
In a later article, we hope to offer some practical advice to those "whose stomach's think their throats have been cut" by giving an in-depth instruction course on how to order your food for home delivery in such a way that you have a 4% chance of [a] getting something approximating 10% of your actual list and [b] get it delivered less than 5 weeks after the crisis is over. [NB Currently all suppliers are working hard to ensure that all loyal customers get at least something each month. If you were not signed up to a scheme before December 2016 you may expect to encounter extra difficulties but all supermarkets are committed to supplying you with at least 2 perishable items by 2021. [Consumer Ed]
So what about that other "silent but deadly" domestic attacker - boredom? Psychologists say that whilst the weather remains bright and dry, this can be alleviated by taking short walks [for the permitted reasons], pacing up and down your garden like a mangy lion at Chedington Zoo, or seeing how far you can throw your children without them actually hitting the neighbours fence [protective clothing is suggested - children can be quite angry when they come to].
But as the weather turns and we are all forced to congregate together indoors, how can we exercise, socialise and replicate the benefits of the outdoor experience? Happily, the orinoco store is offering a range of simulated distractions in its enterprising "Faux Outdoor Worlds" range - a series of outdoor environments cleverly miniaturised for indoor consumption and enjoyment.
First up is the Tropical Island Experience - an ultra-realistic creation of a tropical jungle careful sculptured in bonsai and plasticine. Easily assembled at home [provided you have already acquired a terrarium and suitable stand] the Tropical Island Experience will provide hours of fun as you imagine yourself vicariously transported to the world of David Attenpiece [or even LOve Island!] in the comfort of your own prison [living room surely [Ed]]. The perfect way to get-away when the one thing you can't do is get-away, lucky purchasers can immerse themselves in the sights [and sounds - soundtrack and mp3 player available separately [we recommend orinoco's own mp3 X available on 26-week delivery for optimus customers HERE]] at almost any time of their choosing [family commitments permitting].
The Tropical Island Experience by orinoco is available from the orinoco website for a mere £199 plus VAT. And best news of all - order now and it is guaranteed to be on your doorstep by Christmas 2020! Win! WIn!
[NB Customers are advised that since 50% of the content of The Tropical Jungle Experience is organic and liable to damage in transit, a six-month stabilisation and recovery programme [instructions included] is recommended before use.]