Par Excellence [Or The Eagle Has Crashed]

A guarantee of excellence, the Squadron Leader Kitemark takes trading and manufacturing standards to "a whole other level".

Thrilling news for those with an interest both in aviation history and trading standards comes in the form of an announcement by the Dorset Standards Institute that it will be establishing a new ”seal of excellence”, named in honour of former Dorset fighting ace Squadron Leader “Roger” Kyte.

The Cockpit, Apron Lane, Fishpond Bottom. The former home of Squadron Leader Kyte. Lying close to the perimeter of Fishpond Bottom aerodrome, it suffered extensive and frequent roof damage as a result of its owners somewhat haphazard approach to runway protocols.

The Squadron Leader, who would have been 104 this year, died in 2014 following a fall from the cockpit of the coin-operated RAF Flight Simulator [once installed at the Royal Navy deep-water command facility at Catterick] which he kept in the garage of his home in Apron Way, Fishpond Bottom [HERE]. He had a notable peacetime career [WWII career “not so much”] flying paying customers around the bay at Branscombe where he became famous for his unscheduled, unauthorised, unorthodox [and highly unpredictable] low level passes, often skimming rooftops, sand dunes and major waves with little regard for the safety either of himself or his passengers. Asked how he managed to accomplish his extreme aerobatics [including, on one occasion, twelve consecutive and largely involuntary victory rolls] he confessed that he couldn’t remember since it was “all a bit of a blur”. An emergency landing in 1985 resulted in what Air Accident Investigators described as "a number of distressed holidaymakers and a very bent crate" and in June 1986, the Squadron Leader was finally declared “no longer fit to fly”.

Seen in his pomp, the Squadron leader cut an impressive figure; so much so that at a mess social in 1943, several women agreed to marry him. Only one was sufficiently sober to remember the next day. Even close friends agreed that it would be hard to describe her as "the lucky one".

Both he and his aircraft were decommissioned six years later in 1991 and he undertook his final Branscombe passenger tour in 2004. Thereafter, he was given the title of Squadron Leader Emeritus and allowed to undertake light chock duty at Fishpond Bottom aerodrome [formerly RDAF Fishpond Bottom] until May 2009. An “incident” that month - details of which have never been placed in the public domain - brought to an end all aeronautical-related activities, much to the Squadron Leader’s disgust, and Mrs Kyte’s profound regret. “If people think he’s a danger in the air, they should see him in a kitchen”, she famously told The Fishpond Bottom Bugle at the time.

For a fuller, more sympathetic and frankly wholly implausible assessment of the Squadron Leader's career see his so-called Obituary [HERE].

Announcing the “Squadron Leader Kytemark” initiative, a spokesperson for the DSI - Mr Tray Ding-Standards - said that the new distinction would be awarded only to products that exceeded the already exceptionally high standards associated with the Institute’s benchmark Platinum Seal of Approval. So far the SLK has been awarded to only two products - The Threadbone Corporation’s Narrowband Dialup Business Internet Service and the Os de Fil Industrial Ceramic Company’s patent waterless high-capacity almost-maintenance-free “pissoire”. “Like the urinal itself, the Squadron Leader Kytemark with its distinctive roundel is something every man should be aiming for”, Mr Tray Ding-Standards said.

Our Business Correspondent Bengt Carr-Tell adds:

Something to aim for: the Os de Fils Award Winning urinal is in a class of its own. Women throughout the county will hope it significantly improves their husband's accuracy.

It may or may not be a coincidence that, just as the Os de Fil Industrial Ceramic Company’s Squadron Leader Kytemark status is confirmed, the Greater Dorset Public Works Commission has announced the award of a multi-million pound contract to the same Os de Fil Industrial Ceramic Company to supply urinals and "other toilet porcelain" to its refurbishment programmes currently aimed at upgrading the public toilet facilities at all the major Dorset seaside resorts. [The work is not scheduled to be completed until 2042 and the GDPWC has been forced to apologise on a number of occasions for any ‘inconvenience” caused.] [Really? [Ed]]

Sydling St Nicholas Sun editor Ron Nasty believes that - following the decline in interest in CONTRIK-69 related PPE mis-spending scandals - the Os de Fil contract [aka Pissoirgate] will be the next major corruption story to hit the tabloids. Asked if the contract award was a matter of legitimate public interest, he described it as an "inconvenient truth" and, "something to which we should all be privy”.*

* Is "privy" supposed to be some kind of a pun? and aren't there enough "convenience" references in this already [Ed].

Full Dorset Combined Services Association Obituary HERE