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Please Gamble Irresponsibly

In a move hailed by the University of Afpuddle's Pro Vice-Chancellor for Education, Research, Student Affairs and On-Campus Betting Services - Professor Grantham Capricorn - as a "breakthrough in corporate fundraising", the distinguished Dorset "educational" institution* has opened up its annual Festive Lottery to ordinary members of the general public.

* as defined in its Statutes but not in its recently revised Code of Practice

Speaking at the launch of this year's landmark event, Professor Capricorn explained the audacious move by telling journalists that it was a question of "making a virtue out of necessity" whilst at the same time "staking a claim to the moral high ground" - two things at which the University has proved particularly adept in its post-Contrik planning, and even more so in its frequent virtue-signalling press releases..

University of Afpuddle [Afpuddle Main Campus]. According to a recent publication [Which Dorset University?] it is the University of Choice for those who wish to gain experience in how to be fleeced.

"In one sense the decision is a recognition that the collective student purse is only so elastic and any "stretch" left in it has almost certainly been taken up by our recent much-needed hike in rents, fees and ancillary charges ... on the other hand, it seems very unfair in this day and age to exclude those who, through no fault of their own, are not members of the University, simply because - technically speaking - they are not members of the University".

The University's state-of-the-art random number selector will not be used. Instead balls will be selected by Chancellor Lord Waitaminute according to the Modified Single Transferable Number ["Rigged"] System.

"What matters", he added , "is that they have cash, are statistically as likely to be as hooked on gambling as the student body, and are, in any event, more numerous and therefore potentially a much larger pool from which to extract ready monies". "Needless to say all of this is strictly in line with our benchmark diversity, inclusivity and non-discriminatory behaviours protocols through which we guarantee a secure and safe space for any cash we receive".

The Festive Lottery Draw will take place on 22nd December in the University's Amanda J Threadbone Conference Centre. A carefully-vetted celebrity audience will watch as the University's Chancellor Lord Waitaminute extracts a dozen numbered balls from a specially-commission crystal bowl. The winner will be anyone who selects the 18 correct numbers.**

** Statistically estimated as a 1 in 200 billion chance

A previous unidentified winner [possibly a University of Afpuddle croupier?] celebrates his windfall.

In the highly unlikely event that there is a winner, he/she/they will collect the Grand Prize of £65, an economy-sized box of After Eights and a one month trial subscription to an online Masters Course of their choice [subject to availability].

Lottery Selection Cards [£5 each] are already on sale at all University Campus shops and at most branches of Edna's - "the convenience store near you". Participants must be over the age of 8 and have cash in hand. And remember ... You have to be in it to win it!! When the Fun Stops; Keep Going etc etc.


We asked our Lottery Expert Wynn Allott to assess your chance of winning this year's University of Afpuddle Festive Lottery and the answer might surprise you ...

Her answer: Not a cat in Hell's!

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