In a move designed to quell anxiety amongst self-isolating students, The University of Afpuddle is offering online print-at-home degree certificates to anyone who qualifies. [See yesterday's communication for details of eligibility but basically anyone who has visited the campus in the last 4 years whether for educational or other educationally-allied or non-allied purposes.] [ie Anyone [Ed]].
For simplicity's sake and in line with the directive issued by Pro-Vice-Chancellor for Education, Research, Sport, Commercial Outreach, Opportunism and On-Campus Betting Mr Grantham Capricorn yesterday, the certificate confers only BA First Class Honours and anyone hoping for a lesser degree or lower grade is advised to await system updates. These are not expected any time soon since, as Chancellor Lord Waitaminute of Supermarket-fame, recently stated, degree certificates denoting other than First Class status are custom-made, expensive to produce and virtually redundant since no-one can remember when anything other than a First was last awarded. "Spending time and effort on producing a variety of certificates which very few will want would be irresponsible at a time of national crisis", he said. "We are doing the right thing by our students, staff and the general public. At a time of general depression and gloom, the public will be pleased to know that our young people are, without exception, high-achievers and that, by being so, they are securing everyone's future once the current crisis passes and normality [99.9999999999% Firsts] resumes*.
* assumes 1 in 200,000,000 students is admitted by mistake and does not complete the minimum course requirements.
Since the University is now considering closing completely - an announcement is expected either later today or tomorrow - and since there will be no further teaching or assessment, the degree certificates will be made available to all third- and fourth-year students immediately. [Second- and First-year students are to "await advisement" but will probably be processed as "fast-track degree eligible" in about three to four month's time. A spokesperson for the University said that the decision not to hold graduation ceremonies was "both in line with current guidelines regarding mass gatherings and a significant cost-saving. None of the usual presiding officials will need to hire academic dress and, as we all know, those fancy robes don't come cheap."
However, students wishing personally to attend a graduation ceremony "in absentia" will be able to do so thanks to brand-new virtual technology which aims to recreate "some elements" of the graduation experience online. Details are yet to emerge of the scope and content of this new service though students have been told it will cost "in the region of £600 and upwards" depending on the degree of verisimilitude they wish to enjoy. An audio-only version [c£200] will be available for those with limited resources. Anyone interested in any of these services is referred to the Afpuddle Student Loans Department which will be pleased to take credit card and other details and even arrange small mortgages. [No eligibility criteria, though terms and conditions apply. APR 2,400% approx.]
To prevent fraud, the Print-at-Home Degree Certificate is only downloadable from a secure password-protected University of Afpuddle cyber-encrypted digi-portal. Students who have forgotten or never used their login ID should use the generic name "STUDENT" [without the speech marks]. The password is: CONTRIK-69.
UNIVERSITY OF AFPUDDLE GRADUANDS-APPROPRIATE DETAILS
EXAMPLE LOGIN [Warning if you replicate [ie copy] these exact details you will probably gain access to the site unwittingly]
ALTERNATIVELY, GET THAT FORM HERE: