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Queer Angles

In its new series of Woke Guides to the major subjects in the modern school curriculum, the Threadbone Press, in association with the Dorset Non-binary Education Reform Advisory Council [DNBERAC] has just published Queer Shapes and Safe Spaces: A Woke Guide to Geometry. Now a set text in all Dorset Schools, it is likely to set the tone for the subject for several years to come and has been welcomed by many in the LGBTQ+/-%$*?community as a major step forward in decolonising the study of lines, shapes, areas and volumes. In an increasingly contested area, clear guidelines are, says Mathematics teacher Euclid Iclid Weallklid-Togetha, "a real help in the battle to say the correct thing and avoid getting summarily dismissed".

Noting that previous Geometry books have been uncompromisingly categorical and even judgemental in their deployment of terms such as equal and greater than / less than, whilst often insisting on the importance of the right angle and limiting the scope for "difference", the new text [which is compulsory in all schools] will offer a more nuanced approach to what has hitherto been an unforgiving study.

MaJor changes in the approach to geometrical objects are advanced, including more inclusivity-related, diversity-sensitive and politically acceptable codifications of formerly standardised and "uncontested" terms.

Examples of the new guidelines include statements to the effect that:

  • All angles are equal (and free to identify as any other line, shape or volume).

  • No angles are right (or wrong).

  • The orientation of a line, angle or shape, should be dealt with sensitively.

  • Terms such as acute and obtuse should not be used and certainly not presented as a categorical choice. Instead try to use neutral descriptions such as bigger or smaller or wider or narrower but without the implication that one is better than another or to be more favoured. Bent is never an acceptable description of a line; wherever possible substitute non-conventional or different.

  • Terms such as equilateral are no longer recognised as either helpful or valid. Choose instead a more nuanced term like bi, multi or pan.

  • Though some lines are straight this is not the preferred state of a line. Non-conventional or different [formerly bent] lines are equally valid.

  • For this reason try when describing the properties of a circle, for example, to use its circumference rather than its radius or diameter wherever possible. Remember rainbows are bent [sorry curved]. Remember also that closed-circles are non-inclusive and should never be advanced as an ideal.

  • Congruence is no longer an acceptable term in any geometrical context.

  • Shapes can be queer but only if they self-identify as such.

Egregious Errors: Only a year ago a well-established Mathematics Olympiad felt it acceptable to use terms such as equal, regular and same. Thankfully such terms have now been assigned to the scrap heap following a much needed rethink.

  • Parallel lines should be held suspicious since they are non-divergent and irregular or fluid shapes should be prioritised over squares. Squares are in general outmoded and should be retired in favour of more progressive shapes.

  • The status and acceptability of a trapezium is yet to be decided.

  • All spaces and areas must be safe.

  • All instances of pi must be vegan or at worst vegetarian and sourced from responsible organic producers. [Game pi formerly used in role play should be abandoned altogether.] Pi may be held to equal 3.141592653589793238 but variations are not to be judged inferior. Constants should be eschewed in favour of non-binary variables wherever possible. [See also You Push and I'll Pull: The Woke Guide to Fluid Mechanics].

  • Greek geometricians are to be preferred wherever available given their cultural openness to non-heterosexual stereotypes. Stereotypes of any kind, however, should be demonised as antithetical to free thinking.

  • Young learners should be encouraged to avoid identifying too early with a given line shape or volume but rather, borrowing a phrase from physics, embrace the uncertainty principle until such time as they are more sure of their orientation. [See Whichever Way Works For You: the Woke Guide to Heisenberg]. Shape reassignment can begin only from Key Stage 4 onwards.


If you have been affected by any of the issues raised in this article you should immediately seek professional help and/or ORDER TODAY your copy of Feeling A Little Queer: The Woke Guide to Getting Counselling.

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