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Shell-[Fish] Shocked

In a surprising show of solidarity, the esteemed Hotel Splendide, Bridport ["A great place to eat whelks"] has come out in support of the Bridport sea food, wet fish and other vinegar-preserved comestible vendors by offering customers in its countywide-famous Tout ce que vous pouvez manger Salon de l'océan de Crustacés Dining Lounge a special offer on its eponymous Whelks a la Splendide.

Hotel Splendide Contrik-69 Recovery Menu with that "hard to believe" once-in-a-lifetimewhelk offer.

The ordinarily hard to book and even harder to afford restaurant - for which gourmet diners often have to book a year in advance - has never before contemplated let alone offered any sort of "special" [ie discounted] price. Head Chef Martin Mollusc says that the decision to offer "two for one" on all whelk-based dishes marks an unprecedented show of support for beleaguered colleagues "at the other end of the whelk spectrum" without whom preparation and serving of Whelks a la Splendide would be "pretty much impossible".

Industry insiders believe other forces may also be afoot. "Of course the Hotel and its 5* Dunlop restaurant have been struggling with social distancing rules and the associated protocols for spittoons and other projectile vomiting containers", says restaurant watcher Freel Oder. "A bad whelk can go a fair distance when spontaneously ejaculated and regulations suggest 12 yards as a minimum "safe space" for most post-crustacean-consumption reflux scenarios. It may be that the Hotel has decided the best way to dispose of a few hundred surplus and too-close-to-sell-by-date whelks is by converting its unsuspecting patrons into "whelk mules" - getting them to ingest the little critters whilst inside the restaurant and then expecting said customers to safely dispose of them - through an orifice of their own non-choosing - when they get home. If that's the case its a dodgy deal but a brilliant strategy; bordering - if you'll forgive the pun - on the shelfish."

Artist's impression of the social distancing required to protect customers from the projectile vomiting of others.

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