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Shell-[Fish] Shocked


In a surprising show of solidarity, the esteemed Hotel Splendide, Bridport ["A great place to eat whelks"] has come out in support of the Bridport sea food, wet fish and other vinegar-preserved comestible vendors by offering customers in its countywide-famous Tout ce que vous pouvez manger Salon de l'océan de Crustacés Dining Lounge a special offer on its eponymous Whelks a la Splendide.


Hotel Splendide Contrik-69 Recovery Menu with that "hard to believe" once-in-a-lifetimewhelk offer.

The ordinarily hard to book and even harder to afford restaurant - for which gourmet diners often have to book a year in advance - has never before contemplated let alone offered any sort of "special" [ie discounted] price. Head Chef Martin Mollusc says that the decision to offer "two for one" on all whelk-based dishes marks an unprecedented show of support for beleaguered colleagues "at the other end of the whelk spectrum" without whom preparation and serving of Whelks a la Splendide would be "pretty much impossible".


Industry insiders believe other forces may also be afoot. "Of course the Hotel and its 5* Dunlop restaurant have been struggling with social distancing rules and the associated protocols for spittoons and other projectile vomiting containers", says restaurant watcher Freel Oder. "A bad whelk can go a fair distance when spontaneously ejaculated and regulations suggest 12 yards as a minimum "safe space" for most post-crustacean-consumption reflux scenarios. It may be that the Hotel has decided the best way to dispose of a few hundred surplus and too-close-to-sell-by-date whelks is by converting its unsuspecting patrons into "whelk mules" - getting them to ingest the little critters whilst inside the restaurant and then expecting said customers to safely dispose of them - through an orifice of their own non-choosing - when they get home. If that's the case its a dodgy deal but a brilliant strategy; bordering - if you'll forgive the pun - on the shelfish."


Artist's impression of the social distancing required to protect customers from the projectile vomiting of others.

 
 
 

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The Threadbone Corporation (AJTCorps)

The Mall

Great Heaving

West Lulworth, UK

Tel: +44 (0)1929 400000

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DISCLAIMER: Though it will be perfectly obvious that the absurd world of Professor Thrupiece and his corporate affairs is no more nor less than the product of a fevered brain, it is clearly affirmed here that any resemblance to actual persons, organisations or events is purely coincidental and that no slight or injury of any kind is intended to any person alive, dead or yet to be born.

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