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Spend, Spend, Spend

In a concerted attempt to fire up the engines of its Borrowings and Inter-Library Loans Scheme, the DHRA's under-fire Chair and PM Mrs Doris Endersley-Kindersley has announced plans to invest money on an unprecedented scale. Speaking alongside temporary acting [and threateningly popular] Treasurer Mr Richly Suntrap, Mrs Endersley-Kindersley said that it was time to relaunch, on a socially-distanced basis, services which had been hard hit by CONTRIK-69 restrictions.

In compliance with Dorset Authority CONTRIK-69 Emergency Protocols, the DHRA had first withdrawn all books from circulation and seriously curtailed un-sanitised access to its secure world-wide interweb antibacterial digi-portal; only later allowing virtual borrowing of up to two volumes per 3 virus-tested household bubbles provided that no bubble contained more than one member of the opposition group and at least two bubble members remained outdoors for two weeks before and after the borrowing period. [Serving members of the RDC were exempt from this rule - on compassionate grounds - following an intervention from DHRA CONTRIK-69 Self-Inflicted Cyber-Crime Committee Chair Sir Rising Crimewave].

Mrs Endersley-Kindersley may want to "Spend spend spend" but opposition leader Mr Shear Starkers has vowed to "cut her off at the knees".

Just how much the DHRA is prepared to throw at its relaunch remains unclear, though Mr Suntrap was keen to quell speculation that digitisation of the entire library was being considered. "We are prepared to be quite reckless", he said, "and if necessary wreck the DHRA's finances for the foreseeable future, but digitisation and handsfree access to the whole of our precious collection is a bridge too far. We might start with the Agatha Panthus novels which nobody reads these days, but the Doug Graves are just too popular people would be downloading them all the time". Asked if it was true that DHRA membership numbers were falling [the pandemic has seen off a disproportionate number of over 90s - pretty much the exact demographic of the DHRA ], Mr Suntrap declined to answer on the basis of "ongoing inquiries which it would be unfair to pre-judge or anticipate". However, Historical Romance Association analyst Mark Etsurvy says that it is inconceivable that many of the DHRA longstanding members will not have been wiped out over the last few weeks. "They were largely old, feeble-minded and riddled with pre-existing conditions [including a tendency to "lose the will to live" half way through a Rowena Westlake] and some were so unpleasant that they are unlikely to have had anyone to do their shopping for them. It's nature's version of natural selection which is to say it's natural selection".

In the meantime, DHRA opposition members under their new leader Shear Starkers are planning to frustrate the proposed spending spree. "We will cut them off at the pass", he vowed, waving his borrowing card which expired in 2015.

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