Storm in a Tea Cupcake
Customers at Waitaminute's University of Afpuddle Campus Superstore were in shock today as the supermarket unveiled its new “three for the price of four” policy on all baked goods, multi-buy frozen pizzas and diverse other products. “I just can’t believe it” and “What the f**k” we’re typical of any number of - largely adverse - reactions amongst in-store shoppers to today's new marketing initiative. Online customers will only be charged the new rate as delivery slots become available - probably in late 2024.
Explaining why customers now had to pay for more actual products than they were allowed to take from the store, a spokesperson said: “It’s a sign of the times and the retail sector's equivalent of the negative interest rates we all have to get used to in the banking world. Think of it as a contribution to maintaining our solvency if you like”.
In a further statement Ms Grabham Bithernutts added: “now that banks are charging you to look after money you have lent them it seems only sensible that we should use that as cover and follow suit by imposing a small "user" fee as a "thank you" for shopping with us. We are also clear that this is more in line with current thinking on healthy eating and CONTRIK-69 SELF-ISOLATING LOCKDOWN STAY AT HOME-related obesity - hence the decision to start with baked goods and, for the time being at least, leave celery sticks alone - they are still currently 10 sticks for the price of 10 sticks". "Think of it as is making a principled stance", she added, "or demonstrating our ethical credentials and saving the environment whilst occupying the moral high ground and holding the right line - oh and making more profit of course”.
Whilst the move has left shoppers puzzled and substantially less well fed [“I have eight kids and six sausage rolls into eight don’t go”* says worried mum Boo Zenfaggs-Furst], analysts believe the move is part of the supermarket giant’s wider attempts to defray the cost of its disastrous decision to try to enforce copyright on its Clarissa the Cupcake line in the face of cheaper “copycat” alternatives from bargain rivals Adli, Sorimorns and Dill [Clothilda the Cupcake, Coriander the Cupcake and Clive the Cupcake [who has an additional distinguishing liquorice torpedo] respectively].
However, Waitaminute’s perceived opportunism in picking on Adli seems to have seriously backfired thanks to their rival‘s slick retaliatory PR campaign. Marketing experts believe Adli has seriously wrong-footed Waitaminute executives with rumours that Lord Waitaminute himself has interrupted his Barbados late Spring maxi-break to try to rebuff suggestions of greed, sharp-practice, exploitation and failure to grasp the public moodhelpfully . SImples. - charges with which he is all too familiar in his role as Chancellor of the University of Afpuddle.
*Our Dietary Regimes Editor Anna Wrecksia suggests: "Buy twelve, get nine and keep one for tomorrow"