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Taking The Biscuit


In an effort to regain market share and stave off the aggressive manoeuvres of a number of rival suppliers, home internet provider Threadbone Narrowband Dialup has entered into partnership with a famous biscuit manufacturer well-know for its dark chocolate flavoured, brilliant-white cream filled confections - Boneos.


Far from representing an obvious synergy made in heaven, Great Heaving PR gurus were anxious to explain that there is, however a natural and historic connection between browsing and munching and that the new service caters to those with a taste for both.


Perhaps such a move has been on the cards for a while. Boneos - an almost ubiquitous household name and a brand said to be trusted by a higher proportion of the biscuit-buying population than any other - have been popular since the 1950s and were until recently exclusively licensed to The Dorset Biscuit Company. However, in what market analysts considered a bold and surprising move - the assets of the Dorset Biscuit Company were acquired by Threadbone Heavy Chemicals - a company better known for its cleaning products, Threadbone Farms Inorganic range and Thrupiece-diet related inventory than its fattening foodstuffs lines. The move - in January of this year - was considered a little "out of left field" though evidence now suggests that it was part of a longer term acquisition plan that would see parent giant - The Threadbone Corporation - muscle in on the "stuck at home with nothing to do but surf the net and get fat market". Asset stripper - Shell Kompanie - says that, in retrospect, the Threadbone Corporation's actions look "pretty smart". "They anticipated the lockdown and its consequences faster and better than their rivals and they've clearly stolen a march on them".


A campaign aimed at persuading customers to change supplier is underway at Threadbone Narrowband Dialup Wifi. Critics say it just about "takes the biscuit".

So what should we now expect? Broadband analysts - More, Bufferins and Freese-Uppe - believe that the Corporation will be offering packages which [according to a given household's needs] will supply them with internet access and regular biscuit deliveries via a one-stop shop. A typical deal might comprise a 5mbps internet connection and two packs of Boneos a day for the small [single?] household, rising to 25mbps and 10 packets a day for the extended family pack. [Prices could vary from as little as £45 per month to a whopping £250 for the all-inclusive mega deal which, rumour suggests, could include packaging collection and recycling.]


For further details on all the Narrowband/Boneo+ offers rush to your nearest Threadbone Narrowband Dialup Wifi Shop or visit online at: www.boneoband.co.uk


COMMERCIAL INFORMATION [UNDECLARED INTEREST] WARNING:


Boneos sponsor thrupiecetv's "I'm a fat bastard pass me the Boneos ... I'm not getting out of here any time soon". Weekdays at 7pm. You will need at least a 250mbps connection to watch live streaming]

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