Taking The Biscuit
In an effort to regain market share and stave off the aggressive manoeuvres of a number of rival suppliers, home internet provider Threadbone Narrowband Dialup has entered into partnership with a famous biscuit manufacturer well-know for its dark chocolate flavoured, brilliant-white cream filled confections - Boneos.
Far from representing an obvious synergy made in heaven, Great Heaving PR gurus were anxious to explain that there is, however a natural and historic connection between browsing and munching and that the new service caters to those with a taste for both.
Perhaps such a move has been on the cards for a while. Boneos - an almost ubiquitous household name and a brand said to be trusted by a higher proportion of the biscuit-buying population than any other - have been popular since the 1950s and were until recently exclusively licensed to The Dorset Biscuit Company. However, in what market analysts considered a bold and surprising move - the assets of the Dorset Biscuit Company were acquired by Threadbone Heavy Chemicals - a company better known for its cleaning products, Threadbone Farms Inorganic range and Thrupiece-diet related inventory than its fattening foodstuffs lines. The move - in January of this year - was considered a little "out of left field" though evidence now suggests that it was part of a longer term acquisition plan that would see parent giant - The Threadbone Corporation - muscle in on the "stuck at home with nothing to do but surf the net and get fat market". Asset stripper - Shell Kompanie - says that, in retrospect, the Threadbone Corporation's actions look "pretty smart". "They anticipated the lockdown and its consequences faster and better than their rivals and they've clearly stolen a march on them".
So what should we now expect? Broadband analysts - More, Bufferins and Freese-Uppe - believe that the Corporation will be offering packages which [according to a given household's needs] will supply them with internet access and regular biscuit deliveries via a one-stop shop. A typical deal might comprise a 5mbps internet connection and two packs of Boneos a day for the small [single?] household, rising to 25mbps and 10 packets a day for the extended family pack. [Prices could vary from as little as £45 per month to a whopping £250 for the all-inclusive mega deal which, rumour suggests, could include packaging collection and recycling.]
For further details on all the Narrowband/Boneo+ offers rush to your nearest Threadbone Narrowband Dialup Wifi Shop or visit online at: www.boneoband.co.uk
COMMERCIAL INFORMATION [UNDECLARED INTEREST] WARNING:
Boneos sponsor thrupiecetv's "I'm a fat bastard pass me the Boneos ... I'm not getting out of here any time soon". Weekdays at 7pm. You will need at least a 250mbps connection to watch live streaming]