Wright Rip-Off, sole proprietor of The Rip-Off Store, Compton Abbas is doing very nicely this Christmas - thank you very much. Having struggled for some years to make the make-or-break festive season the central pillar of his annual sales strategy, he feared bankrupcy and closure - especially in the lean - never to be forgotten - lockdowns of the CONTRIK-69 "crisis". He tried everything but nothing seemed to help.
'"Freak out to help out" didn't help those of us in the retail business who had no customers willing to go the extra mile and freak out to save us', he reflects, 'so that initiative was a dead duck as were most of the offical schemes... short of sending the children up neighbours' chimneys with a pan and brush, we had almost no resources to draw on". "We were at our wits end. Even the riding crops were going out of date and the best-befores were piling up in the stockroom". Luckily The Rip-Off Store survived, though it has been heavy going ever since.
In early 2023, Mr Rip-Off tried lowering prices. It didn't work. Sales remained static whilst revenue fell. He then contacted business support experts Fleesam and Rookham who introduced him to The Afpuddle Approach - a proven method of cash extraction that - thanks to Vice-Chancellor for Education, Research, Student Affairs and On-Campus Betting Services - Professor Grantham Capricorn - has been the bedrock of the University's approach to financial stability for more than a decade.
"Basically, you decide what you fancy next - eg an underground swimming pool, executive club bar, bigger wine cellar or, in our case, massively increased sales of stuff we can't shift - appeal for help and don't take either no or yes for an answer. You identify the vulnerable, the gullible amongst the main family income earners and return to them time and time again in a relentlessly pro-active campaign of harrassment supported by a strong programme of guilt enforcement. Obviously - as a retail outlet - we had to modify the method somewhat but far less than you might think.* We got in touch with all our previous customers, told them we needed cash urgently, sold them a line about going into administration, played on their loyalty, launched a targeted Christmas appeal, quadrupled our prices and hey-presto financial success - it's definitely the Afpuddle Way!"
* The University of Afpuddle strenuously denies that it is a business, claiming instead to be a Peculiar Unregulated Charity with multiple commercial affiliations, some of which are focused on the University's financial wellbeing. Degrees are strictly not for sale, though those wanting a First** are advised to put in their order[s] accompanied by a sizeable donation early and often.
** Denotes a degree class not the quality of the eduction loosely associated with it..