Dorset scientists admitted they were baffled today by the emergence of a new strain of the CONTRIK-69 or CORONABYN virus in several locations around the county. The new variant - designated CONTRIK-XXX pending proper sequencing - is thought to spread more slowly, be less infectious, have less serious symptoms and be significantly less fatal than the original strain, leading both scientists and public health officials to tag it "a terrifying mutant that will destroy life - even as we have come to know it".
Whilst it is still early days and opinions may be revised, the fact that CONTIK-XXX is probably as resistant to a good talking to as its predecessor, together with some evidence that the recently introduced vaccine is just as ineffective against it, has led some to conclude that we are now facing the biggest threat to public health and well being since the last biggest threat to public health and well-being almost 9 months ago.
In a drastic move to contain the spread and confine it to poor people, plans to allow people to eat food and watch dismal television in terraced houses during the Christmas period have been suspended [there is some evidence that the new virus can climb down aerials and cables and may even be able to breach a sash window] whilst all social bubbles have been burst amongst the lower-paid and all exterior excursions other than by yacht, private jet and chauffeur-driven limousine have been put on hold. "Disadvantaged people will just have to sit at home, confine themselves to settees, stare at each other and go quietly mad whilst they contemplate undelivered and unopened presents and get used to the smell of rotting food in the refrigerator. It's a fact of life I am afraid and there is no doubt that some people will die - of boredom, lassitude, obesity and what top scientists are calling "a loss of the will to live"."
A statement from Dorset Council's Chief Executive Norris Boneston said that "Whilst the CEO regrets having to take these measures and understands the frustration they might cause, there is no alternative measure available to him to control the population and keep it in fear. He believes, however, that millions of citizens will continue to suffer from as well as to detest the festive period as they have always done with no discernible change." "And for those of us who don't die in the meantime", the statement added, "there is always the prospect of an even more miserable Christmas in 2021, 2022, 2023, 2024 etc etc. In the meantime people are just going to have to hold their nose, not breathe through their mouths and try not to cough"
New strain now identified at CONTRIK-2020/1/2/3/4 passim