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That Sinking Feeling

Amid growing speculation - in the wake of rising off-line and in-person CONTRIK-69 scams - Dorset Authorities are set to trigger Current Emergency Plan [Clear and Present Danger] D4iii - with all of its attendant RDC-recommended and SAS-enforced measures, the leader of Long Bredy’s Gold Team [LBGT] Rapid Response Unit has issued an all-persons alert, a severe weather warning and a two-for-one offer on all pre-Christmas hospital bookings in an attempt to calm nerves and "save the DHRS".

He has also advised the public - especially the old and vulnerable - to “stock up to the gunwales with every conceivable soon-to-be-unavailable commodity” and to "hunker down for the duration"*. Geriatrics, in particular, have been further advised to check the identity of all home callers including door-to-door CONTRIK-69 salesmen said to be offering a "knocked off" version of the virus at half the recommended retail price. "If a virus-in-a-test-tube offer looks too good to be true it almost certainly is", Community Information Officer Bo-Gus Siyenz added.

* ie until road hauliers "Big" and "Wee" Shippham [East Creech] manage to replace the distributor cap on their Fiat Doblo Cargo transportation vehicle.

Today's Mappowder Mirror also reports that an LBGT Rapid Response Unit spokesperson [Rollem Alup-Togetha] has told the newspaper that “CONTRIK-69 storm wave “Petronella”* is heading our way bringing outbreaks of fake news, flooding, food shortages, virus spikes, global warming, petrol queues, unwanted pregnancies, rat infestations, premature HGV license approvals, airport queues, declining vaccine effectiveness, congestion charges, gridlock, holiday chaos, a Christmas lockdown, delayed operations, hyper-inflation and escalating crime”; whilst at a specially convened RDC press conference, Chief Constable Sir Rising Crimewave and his new deputy Sir Diminishing Expectations revealed that “there is also a strong likelihood of racist allegations against sportsmen, sleaze allegations against politicians and a wave of eco-terrorist face-to-railings-glueing incidents as well as pre-Christmas panic buying, crippling winter diseases and the regular seasonal mayhem as over-staffed systems fail [predictably] to cope”.

* not to be confused with 1984’s controversial shit-storm “Salmonella

Many of our services are at breaking point - matching the general mood of the nation”, Sir Diminishing added before noting, more positively, that: “the best scientific advice continues to be that the public should remain indoors, fully masked and quintuply vaccinated. For complete safety, they should switch off all electronic communications devices and isolate themselves from any news reports. If they fail to do so, we could see a serious decline in morale, deteriorating mental health and a perfect storm of what scientists call “events” - all triggered by the realisation of self-fulfilling prophecies”.

In the meantime, scientists at the University of Afpuddle’s Infectious Diseases and Public Incarceration Research Centre have warned that a vaccine to protect the public against the output of "news" broadcasters and other media-based “super doom spreaders” is still some way off. “The only way to stay safe for the time being is simply to stay away from all televisions, radio stations, internet and social media sources, newspapers and “the man next door whose son works in government and knows what’s really going on”. They assured the public that “his son really doesn’t… he can’t … no one does”.

Worried that the message of doom, gloom and a future of unremitting peril might be failing to reach the young and impressionable and that the traditional gullibility ["vulnerability to infectious ideas"] of youth might be safely relied upon, several religious organisations [including the West Bexington branch of the Sir Rising's Witnesses organisation] have stepped up their campaigns of mass indoctrination - injecting the minds of the underaged with "appropriately targeted ideas designed to drive home extreme theories of human frailty, collective wickedness, divine punishment, and vengeful retribution".

Cult leader The Reverend Phiran Brimstone has declared: "only through the lens of bigotry, fanaticism and extreme religious intolerance does it all make sense".

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