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The CONTRIK-69 Bounce


Economists worldwide have pretty much racked their brains beyond repair trying to figure out and - yet more bizarrely - trying to predict the long-term impact of the fake pandemic which we have come to know as CONTRIK-69. Whilst sociologists and political scientists have long concluded that previously taken-for-granted human rights, as well as the ordinary privileges and presumptions of citizenship, are a thing of the past, their finance-inclined fellow academics are struggling to decide whether the greatest self-inflicted and wholly avoidable catastrophe in the history of humankind will prove to be a blip, a phase, a trend or a terminus.

Professor Kondratiev with [BELOW] his wave. Stylists say it was not modelled on his own hairline.

Amidst many theories, one of the more hopeful is that of the so-called "bounce" which suggests that, in addition to the normal long-amplitude cycle of Kondratiev waves, economies struck by serious crises [fake or otherwise] experience an immediate uplift or growth-spurt [think of 9 year old lanky kid with knee-shorts that suddenly look like budgie-smugglers] which drives the post-crisis economy towards a healthy normality. Such was the case for example following the famous "Spetisbury Slump" which resulted from local sugar-shortages and the short-term closure of the town's jam roly-poly factory in 1963. Happily, by 2014 things were almost back to normal and jam roly-poly was back on the menu at most Fatty Threadbuckle's Roadside Dinners.


Tell-tale signs that a bounce is occurring include: a decrease in the length of queues outside employment agencies, an increase in the length of the queues outside Dorset Casino and a rise in University of Afpuddle fees. None of these are yet in evidence in the bell-weather town of Burstock the employment mix of which exactly replicates the Dorset regional average [80% university/state/civil service; 10% information technology/telecoms/off-license sales; 5% other retail, 2% services; 2% security industries, 0.3% manufacturing, 0.7% don't know]. Naturally, close observers of the town's affairs are scouring it for "green shoots" but have so far come only with "green beans" [currently £1.50 per 500 gms in most Waitaminute locals] which some economists say are not at all the same thing.


None of this is to say, of course, that there is no such thing as a CONTRIK-69 bounce and maverick theorist Priti Farr-Outte believes she has spotted just such a bounce near to her Lillington offices.


"Yesterday I looked out of the windows, as I usually do on a Tuesday, towards the small green space which adjoins my global headquarters. Whilst there was no evidence of new green shoots, I did see a young boy who was clearly enjoying the beneficial effects of a CONTRIK-69 bounce. It was absolutely unmistakeable and I would swear on my father's copy of the Sydling St Nicholas Sun that the uplift was real and, though intermittent, quite possibly sustainable over a period of time."


If you would like to experience your own CONTRIK-69 Bounce, CONTRIK-69 Hoppalong Space-hoppers are available from all good department stores as well as branches of Edna's, Threadboneextras and larger Waitaminute stores.


EVIDENCE: a "CONTRIK-69 Bounce". Not all economists are convinced that this is the sign they are looking for.

 
 
 

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DISCLAIMER: Though it will be perfectly obvious that the absurd world of Professor Thrupiece and his corporate affairs is no more nor less than the product of a fevered brain, it is clearly affirmed here that any resemblance to actual persons, organisations or events is purely coincidental and that no slight or injury of any kind is intended to any person alive, dead or yet to be born.

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