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The Hole Story


A crater with a 1.5-mile diameter has been discovered just outside Sutton Waldron. Police believe that the hole may have lain undiscovered for more than 6 years and that its discovery was "a lucky find" by patrolling officer PC Myra Opik. Conspiracy theorists have not been slow to link the substantial divot to the alleged teleportation of Professor Brian Thrupiece and Ms Shelley-Lulette Sizemore to Brooklyn, to New York in 2013.

What started as a flippant suggestion - the idea that aliens from deep space had taken up residence in the bodies of Professor Brian Thrupiece and Ms Shelley-Lulette Sizemore on 12th April 2013 and relocated them retrospectively in the time-space continuum to Brooklyn, New York where they appeared, otherwise implausibly, in several photographs by not-as-famous-as-he-should-be New York photographer Mr Harold "Hal" Feinsteinsteinstein - has, unexpectedly, gained credence in the last 24 hours thanks to an unexpected intervention by the Royal Dorset Constabulary.



Speaking at a Press Conference in Sutton Waldron, force chief Sir Rising Crimewave told assembled reporters that an officer on routine patrol had stumbled upon a very large crater just outside the bustling metropolis. Being in an area not much frequented by the population at large, the crater - which measures approximately 1.5 miles across - had gone unremarked until now, he explained, possibly for as long as 6 years. "I have asked you all here this morning to inform you that an officer on routine patrol has stumbled upon a very large crater just outside the bustling metropolis of Suton Waldron. Being in an area not much frequented by the population at large, the crater - which measures approximately 1.5 miles across - has gone unremarked until now, possibly for as long as 6 years", he said. "Given the absence of any scheduled digging work by the council, we are treating the hole as suspicious until we can prove otherwise. In the meantime, we await further scientific tests and congratulate sharp-eyed PC Opik on her perspicacity."


Though he went on to say that a gas explosion or possibly the activities of over-enthusiastic golfers with large sand wedges "remained the most likely cause", Sir Rising conceded that "activity by alien visitors from outer space - possibly little men or women with multiple limbs but singular eyes - cannot be ruled out entirely at this stage".


Sir Rising Crimewave as a younger man. Admirers are often struck by his physical likeness to fictional Inspector Lockhart of the TV crime series "No Hiding Place"

Thrupiece watchers, together with fans of not-as-famous-as-he-should-be New York photographer Mr Harold "Hal" Feinsteinsteinstein were not slow to suggest a connection between the crater and the theories of UFO tracker Mr Lidl Greene-Mann who had first suggested the abduction theory and who insisted yesterday that the authorities should, as a matter of urgency, undertake a probing review. "The establishment is generally inclined to draw a veil over findings such as this in the hope the public won't notice and to poo-poo any suggestion of extra-terrestrial activity. We, however, know that the earth is often visited by sentient beings from outer space and that they tend to take up residence in the bodies of local celebrities before transporting them in time and space in order to allow not-as-famous-as-they-should-be photographers to take incongruous snaps which then draw our attention to the manufactured anomaly - it's their way of trying to communicate to us whilst hiding in plain sight", he explained.


Meanwhile, all eyes are on forensic scientists from the RDC's Crater Analysis Unit to see if they can de-mystify the matter. "They are slow but steady", Sir Rising said, in a move to reassure the public. "We get there in the end. Only last week we finally solved the mystery of the large puddle that appeared outside a house in Frome Vauchurch one night in June 1987. We never gave up." "It was the result of unusual rain and a blocked drain", he announced, a smile of deep satisfaction spreading across his ever-so-slightly supercilious face.

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