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The Professor Thrupiece Guide To CONTRIK-69

Donning the mantle of a great man is never easy, but when that great man is the colossus that is Professor Thrupiece, the task must surely become more daunting still. So hats off to Dr Mildred Mildphlue who - assuming the role with an authority all her own - has penned a sequel [or is it a retrospective prequel?] to Professor Thrupieces' 1963 best-seller TheProfessor Thrupiece Guide to Home Survival in the form of The Professor Thrupiece Guide to CONTRIK-69. Published - inevitably - by The Threadbone Press, this slim but essential volume is the second in its CONTRIK-69 Opportunistic Series.

Dr Mildred Mildphlue has been practicing medicine since graduating from the Quentin St Gabriel School of Hygiene in 1960. She has specialised since 1974 in communicable diseases and has, according to her close friends, "seen a thing or two in her time".

It goes without saying - given the reputation of the stable from whence it originates - that Dr Mildphlue's book is as authoritative as it is informed, and as practical as it is erudite. Sifting fact from fiction at a time of national crisis is never easy particularly as the shortage of body bags begins to sap the public's confidence in medicine and those who dispense it. So it is vitally important that any populist volume is frank and clear but at the same time sympathetic to the idea that many readers will be in a state of hyper-concern when they open it. Dr Mildphlue proves the perfect partner ["an ideal walking companion", Dorset Outdoor Medicine] distilling a lifetime of practice into a few pithy yet reassuringly definitive facts. We are all in her debt.

Officials will be hoping that The Professor Thrupiece Guide to CONTRIK-69 answers a few questions and settles a few nerves. The Threadbone Press will be hoping it sells a few copies.

In the meantime, the number of people losing more than one limb to the disease has declined exponentially from 1 on 24th March to none since. Whilst doctors and public health officials are quick to warn that the spike may not be over, with each passing day a decline in the number of people taken into Dorset Police Stations for questioning means that figures for loss-of-limb during "treatment" are likely to continue to fall. A spokesperson for the RDC said today that officers were learning as they went along and that "with each passing day they are coming to realise that physically beating the disease out of people is a strategy likely to meet with limited success and [if admitted] little public sympathy. Far better for CONTRIK-69 to take its natural course and leave people to their own devices, allowing them to starve/lose the will to live or possibly eat each other without external interference.".

Elsewhere, the Dorset Bureau of Statistics has revealed that the number of people googling "exponential rise" as well as the number looking at any graph showing the exponential rise of anything has risen exponentially. "It's completely understandable", Chief Scientist Oftha Chart said, "at a time of worry when everything is going down, it's nice to see something going up". "As the actress said to the Bishop", he added in an attempt at dark humour.



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