The Reek of Araby


Greater Dorset Education Authority’s “audacious and ambitious” initiative to widen the cultural references available to small children by introducing Arabic into the curriculum continues to divide opinion as advocates and opponents prepare to go head-to-head at tonight’s open meeting in Corfe Mullen’s “Peter Tatchell” Community Centre. Critics of the scheme have branded it homophobic with Dorset Combined LGBTQ++/- spokesperson Annie Ting-Gowes describing it as “a slap on the face to people of difference” and “a massive set back to all alphabet people, reminiscent of an era when gender was a binary option ruled by a fascist bureaucratic tick-box and a two-sizes fit all mentality”.


Education spokesperson Chummy Uppe, together with Education Committee Chair Cllr A Peasment, disagreed, arguing that the new compulsory module in Arabic was a long-overdue innovation designed to capitalise on interest in the current World Cup and to celebrate the Quatari government's warm embrace of the LGBTQ++/- movement. Noting that summary arrests, beheadings, floggings and castrations were at a [temporary] all time low in the host country and that non-alcoholic beer [aka Budweiser] was freely available in several locations between the hours of 15.00 and 15.10 Monday-Wednesday, the Education Authority’s Cultural Advisor and Chief Trade Deal Negotiator Infra Penny denied that they were guilty of anything other than virtue signalling.


We stand for diversity, inclusivity and non-judgemental interference”, he virtue signalled, “just not at the moment”. Citing a recent report to the Authority by independent expert Turner Blyndeye, he added that “language is the key to better understanding from which stem better relations, increased intercourse [heterosexual only] and more profitable [financial] exchanges”. [words in brackets redacted from the final text.]


The new Arabic Primer will be issued to all primary schools this week and pupils are expected to be fluent by Christmas. Those who are not will be “invited” to visit a Gulf State in the new year where they will spend time with migrant workers dismantling surplus stadia whilst being "dealt with appropriately".


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