The Rise [and Fall?] of Sir Rising


Dorset Chief Constable Sir Rising Crimewave was under "pressure as never before" today following allegations that he was involved in illegal attempts to smuggle Norfolk turkeys into Dorset markets between 14th and 24th December 2019. Transcripts obtained and published yesterday by the Ibberton "i" - Dorset's newest and slowest growing daily - suggest that he colluded with a group of hardened turkey traffickers to bypass regulations [both trading and hygeine] with the aim of flooding local markets with cheap and illegal birds shortly before Christmas.

Yesterday's Ibberton "i" published the allegations against Sir Rising to the surprise and ire of rival paper The Sydling St Nicholas Sun. It is a straight toss-up as to who is angriest about the scoop: Sir Rising or Sun editor Ron Nasty.

Sydling Saint Nicolas Sun editor, Ron Nasty, described the allegations as “a veritable shit storm“ adding that the hapless septuagenarian [I thought he was a Sagittarius [Ed]] is almost certain "to be brought crashing to his knees at last". However, close observers of the RDC are not so sure: Sir Rising has made a habit of ascending Phoenix-like from the ashes of his many career catastrophes.


The wholly independent police complaints commission - The Wholly Independent Police Complaints Commission or WIPPC whose Chair is non-other than Sir Rising himself - has said only that "a senior officer is under investigation following the discovery of a quantity of rancid giblets and "quite a lot of feathers" at a stately home in Castle Rising". Asked if the officer in question had been suspended, spokesperson Bobby Faircop said that, to the best of his knowledge, "currently, only his socks - and knowing Lady Crimewave possibly his testicles - can be said to be in that state".


However, in a hastily convened press conference, Sir Rising hit back at his accusers saying that:

  • it was a sting

  • it was all a stitch-up

  • it was press collusion

  • it was entrapment

  • it was a criminal conspiracy

  • he had been misunderstood

  • he did not understand the technology involved and could not, therefore, be implicated

  • he had made very little from the deal

  • more importantly, Lady Rising was standing by him and would bear him out.


Smoking gun: The transcript obtained by the "i" seems, on the face of it, conclusive, though Sir Rising claims he believed he was talking to his barber.

Later, in a more considered press statement, his lawyer Maggie Straight-Court said that the transcript obtained by the "i" had been widely and wilfully misinterpreted in what amounted to a malicious conspiracy by some sections of the press to wrongfoot and even hound-out the senior police officer. She added that Sir Rising - "who is in many respects a naive when it comes to this kind of thing" - is cooperating with the investigative authorities to the extent that he has given them his name and home telephone number. She added that he would continue to protest his innocence until proven guilty and would be making a fuller statement at a later date. In the meantime, Ms Straight-Court said, the Chief Constable would be offering no further comment.


Sir Rising is no stranger to adversity, November 2017‘s Criminal Identikit Naughty Advent Calendar being just one of his more controversial schemes [HERE]. He has also been involved in a long dispute with les Autorités Suisses and in particular Commissaire Bèrglar over the conduct of the Professor Thrupiece Disappearance Case which has dragged on since April 2005. Once described as "Dorset's Most Intransigent Chief Constable" Sir Rising has often joked that his family motto "Semper Rigidum" [Always Rigid] has inspired him to stand up tall whenever deflated.

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