The Simple Gift Of An Unexpected Finger
by Our Canned, Dried, Baked Goods and Other Comestibles Correspondent Jen-Eroll Provenda
"Everyone likes a finger", says Threadbone Biscuits, Baked Goods and Retail Confectionary Marketing Executive Di Jestif. "But not all fingers are equal", he adds with a just a hint of a twinkle in his customer-focused roving eye. I am speaking with Di as Thrupiece Duchy Confectionary get ready to launch their annual seasonal offerings in the run up to the Christmas period. Confectionary is big during the festive season and it seems that just about everyone wants a little slice of the cake; a little taste of the pleasure that comes from ingesting a much anticipated moulded treat. ""There's no question about it. Fingers are very much in", he insists.
Though other confectionary based fingers are available [Spot on! [Ed]], the good folks at Thrupiece Duchy Confectionary are keen to trumpet the fact that their Festive Finger is the finger of choice this Christmas - something their Give Santa Claus the big finger Campaign is designed to cement. Rumour has it that the company has spent an unprecedented amount in trying to make sure that anyone thinking of trying an alternative finger thinks again. "Market research suggests that when it comes finger preferences people in general and women in particular prefer familiar finger. Only 1 in 3 women said they like to experiment in the fingering area with the words "tried" and "tested" featuring heavily in many responses. An unfamiliar finger seems to be close to a no go area for most".
Out and about, we undertook our own little piece of - admittedly unscientific - research We asked housewife and mother of 12 Downe Troden, who doesn't always have a lot to cheer her up, what she thought. She couldn't have been more clear: when her generally feckless husband comes home with "that look on his face" and all ready to give her an unexpected festive finger, she readily admits that "a bit of the old sparkle returns just as the lights go out". And does it matter which particular finger is involved? "Absolutely", she replies, as though shocked that we would even ask.
Recently married couple Hees and Shees Gagn-Forheit, admit to being newcomers in the finger department but confirmed that, on the basis of their limited experience, "sticking with one type of finger works best for us". "Having a finger is a little bit like sex", Mrs Gagn-Foheit explained "and at this stage of our relationship I am not going to risk shopping around. For me, if it's going to be a finger, then it's got to be a Professor Thrupiece Festive Finger. That man never disappoints!"
Music to the ears of the good folks at Thrupiece Duchy Confectionary
Having a quiet evening in? Looking forward to curling up with a spouse or perhaps even a loved-one? In the mood to share as Christmas beckons and the Yuletide glow brightens? Then the only question to ask is: Have you given her the Santa finger yet? No? Then hesitate no longer! Thrill her with a cheeky digit when she least expects it and just wait for the whoop of joy as that finger hits the spot!
IF IT'S A FINGER THAT'S REQUIRED, THEN IT'S GOT TO BE A PROFESSOR THRUPIECE FESTIVE FINGER. PROFESSOR THRUPIECE FESTIVE FINGERS. GUARANTEED TO FIT THE BILL AND HIT THE SPOT!
Please note: all of our fingers are carefully moulded and are gender neutral. Made from 95% edible ingredients, they are safe to use regardless of age, postcode area
and/or comestible-orientation. Double dipped, they are available
in "light" and "dark" chocolate varieties.
No returns after opening.