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Tick, Tick, Boom: It's A First!

Several members of the teaching staff at the University of Afpuddle have voted to go on more or less permanent strike in order, leaders say, to "protect the well-being of our students".

In what is being described by psychologists as "a selfless -and uncharacteristically self-aware - act", some lecturers and professors [pretty much one and the same thing these days [Ed]] have decided that the only way to safeguard the mental welfare as well as the long-term career prospects of the undergraduates in their charge is to withdraw teaching in all forms. DAUT [Dorset Association of University Teachers] Union leader, Kneckst Slyde-Pleez said "It's pretty clear that University teaching these days is fatally damaging to students, especially the 0.34% who came here to learn, to expand their minds, to open themselves up to new ideas and to feed the intellectual curiosity which got them here in the first place". "The University's course-content delivery model, based as it is on throughput, and a hyper-woke and utterly uncritical concensus based around the latest twitter-feedback from social influencers, doesn't allow for much flexibility or growth and so the only logical path for those who still think University education has value, is to stop teaching altogether", he added. The DAUT Union represents about 0.5% of all University teachers.

Students are only allowed to take Final Examinations after completing an exacting programme of lectures and coursework

Referring back to the bad old days when the withdrawl of teaching was seen as detrimental to the student "learning experience", progressive educational expert and Shop Steward of rival union - DUGUS [the Dorset Union of General University Staff] - Al Shallaff-Pryzès says it has, thankfully, been some considerable time since teaching in any form has had a discernible impact on a student's development and adds that the DAUT's industrial action [which also precludes the grading of examination papers by its members] will have an unforseen and unintended additional impact. "Discriminatory comparison between students on the basis of merit was once a common practice, but thankfully the University of Afpuddle has led the way in ending Spanish practices of this kind*, ensuring that, instead, all students get a fair deal for their fees. Since they all pay the same amount, it seems only right that they should all get the same prize [surely result? [Ed]] at the end of their time here. The decision taken by the DAUT dinosaurs to refuse to grade papers is an [unintended] step in the right direction - another giant leap on the road to absolutley equal examination outcomes"**.

* eg upholding standards

That Final Examination paper in full.

**The Afpuddle model now widely adopted by virtually all Higher and Further Education institutions is based on the following assumptions: [a] any student choosing a particular University should be awarded at least 90% of the available marks as a reward for loyalty; [b] any student completing the course should be awarded an extra 5%; [c] no student however well not-taught should be encouraged to believe they can achieve 100% since this would lead to unnecessary stress whilst leaving no room for future value addition [ie an even more expensive postgraduate course]. This template ensures that the range of marks available for award to any student ranges between 95% and 99%. The percentage required for a first class degree is [typically] 33%. For further details of the University of Afpuddle Automatic Degree Course Delivery Model see HERE.

Overall, Al Shallaff-Pryzès attributes the remarkable educational progress made over the last 10 years to the University of Afuddle's enterprising Pro-Vice-Chancellor for Education, Research, Sport, Commercial Outreach, Opportunism and On-Campus Betting Dr Grantham Capricorn under whose stewardship the relentless push for uniform degree outcomes has been as sustained as it has been stealthy. "In a way it has all happened without anyone really noticing and certainly without anyone mounting a meaningful challenge. Like all the best reforms, it has been so organic: it was over before anyone realised it had begun. For this reason the actions of a few misguided traditionalists will do little to turn the tide of inevitable progress".

No one from the DAUT was available for comment.

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