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Uncle Brian's


In an effort to restore its image as a nurturing and wholesome company, Threadbone Heavy Chemicals is indulging in a little re-branding, changing the face of some of its most popular - but controversial - consumer brands, better to reflect its origins as a small-scale supplier of provender to the importunate [see below].


Hoping for a significant post-pandemic bounce-back, company executives are aware that "big Pharma" is not exactly flavour of the month and are looking to the past to rehabilitate and domesticate the giant multi-national's image. "We are of course indisputably a Gemeinschaft organisation but one with Gesellschaft roots and ambitions", Brand Manager Di Sinn-Jenuous said at the launch. "We want to recapture the innocence of earlier times - for example the good old colonial period when everyone - be they high or low born - knew their place and how big or small a cog they were in the organisation as a whole. It was a pre-pandemic era in which the biggest threat was a good beating or perhaps expulsion from the plantation. No one worried about being locked-down, trick and trapped or forcibly inoculated and transport and accommodation on the whole were the opposite of socially distanced. Though it may have been a little harsh at times, it was a world of certainties and our research suggests that's what the market wants just now".


Te product of an era in which food shortages and social non-distancing was "par for the course", the Dorset Utility Foods Co-operative's produce line was an attempt to provide basic nutrition at an affordable price. How things change!

First in line for the rebrand is the Brian's Original line - a microwaveable ersatz rice substitute guaranteed to fill the kids.**. Now styled Uncle Brian's, the packaging features a kindly-faced but wizened old man who appears to have survived pretty well on the content of the packet. "Homely, kind and inviting - if just a tad patronising - Uncle Brian represents everything we are looking to promote in the new marketing image", a spokesperson for PR and Marketing experts Charles and Maurice MacPro said. "He's clearly enjoyed many days of hard, back-breaking labour in the fields and very little pay yet appears well-nourished and pretty content with life. He's a reminder of how good life can be when - even if the life-work balance is a tad askew - you think right and budget well. I mean, who wouldn't buy rice from this man?


As always with the Threadbone Corporation, the rebrand and relaunch will be supported by a big budget advertising campaign, described by the Charles and Maurice MacPro people as "unmissable".


Uncle Brian - a reassuring image which recalls the certainties of the much misunderstood "colonial" era.

** with chemicals, artificial flavourings, steroids and barely-legal preservatives [Ed]


* Our Consumer Foods Editor E. Talyucan writes:


Readers may be unaware that the Dorset Utility Foods Co-operative [founded in Long Bredy in 1946] and acquired by the Threadbone Corporation in 2002 was a community-based enterprise the aim of which was to provide good quality food to those suffering the long term effects of wartime rationing [for a comparison see Long CONTRIK and why I still can't satisfy the needs of my 22 year old Thai bride, Sydling St Nicholas Sun 20 April 2021]. It found itself in serious financial trouble in 1999 following a routine investigation by the Dorset Hazardous Substances Authority [DHSA] [not to be confused with the DHRS which is toxic in a quite different fashion]. The enterprise struggled until 2002 when it was bought for 1p by The Threadbone Corporation which was keen to acquire its grinding mills, mechanically-recovered meat facility, distribution network and reputation for "lowering expectations whilst steadily increasing its prices".


That advertisement in FULL




 
 
 

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The Threadbone Corporation (AJTCorps)

The Mall

Great Heaving

West Lulworth, UK

Tel: +44 (0)1929 400000

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DISCLAIMER: Though it will be perfectly obvious that the absurd world of Professor Thrupiece and his corporate affairs is no more nor less than the product of a fevered brain, it is clearly affirmed here that any resemblance to actual persons, organisations or events is purely coincidental and that no slight or injury of any kind is intended to any person alive, dead or yet to be born.

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