As the whole of Dorset woke* yesterday morning to its 38th county-wide lockdown [aka Tier 17ii in E flat major] better news arrived in some well-to-do postboxes in the form of the Threadbone Holidays 2021 Brochure. The brochure which offers "virtual holidays at real prices" also includes the Viking Threadbone Winter Breaks offerings which, like the travel agent's land-based packages, are only available in super-safe Threadbone Corporation-patented vicarious, socially-distanced super-digital, hyper-real, stay-at-home form.
*not in that sense. This is Dorset we are talking about. [Ed]
A spokesperson for the travel outfit - Ms Armè-Chère Travella - was keen to stress that though it was clear to all concerned that anyone booking a holiday in 2021 [and, more than likely, 2022 and 2023 too] would not actually be going on it, no-one should be deterred, since the substitute on-line experience would be as close to the real thing as possible - though without all the fuss and inconvenience of actually travelling. "I am very keen to stress that though it is clear to all concerned that anyone booking a holiday will not actually be going on it, no-one should be deterred, since the substitute on-line experience will be as close to the real thing as possible - though without all the fuss and inconvenience of actually travelling", she said. "For some", she added, "this is close to ideal: all the comforts of home with the added excitement of unique, carefully-selected and ethically-sourced monitor-based visual and aural content".
In common with many other operators, Threadbone Travel has struggled over the last few months as pre-CONTIK-69 travel and holiday plans have been plunged into chaos. Looking to start 2021 on a new footing, the company has cancelled all its contracts with hoteliers, airlines and local tour operators and invested instead in state of the art projection facilities which it can beam into homes via its powerful THREAD-SAT relays and transmitters. This has enabled it to offer a variety of packages tailor-made to both individual and family need in the hope that it can lure the stay-cationers as well as the more adventurous into divvying up for a 5-star sofa-based experience. Individual packages [including headphones and virtual reality spectacles] start at £1,000 pp for UK destinations, £3,000 pp [€280] for European mini-breaks and a whopping £12,800 pp for all-inclusive** [**provide your own accommodation and food] long-haul packages. Families, depending upon size, can expect to pay 3-4 times these amounts, though in a bid to make inroads into the "affordable" market, all single occupant supplements have been dropped and couples can chose between twin and double-bedded rooms depending on what they themselves have at their disposal.
That the company is both proud of and optimistic about its 2021 offering is clear. A delighted Ms Travella believes that the combination of familiarity and innovation will be an absolute winner as people seek to avoid the "on-off, will-it/won't-it" aggravations of physical travel. And - saving the best until the last - Ms Travella revealed that anyone booking a holiday before January 25th will not only enjoy a guaranteed, non-cancellable vacation with few if any airport delays, but will have any necessary travel visas paid for by the Company. "It's a win win and people should book without hesitation and without fear", she added, "although they should probably take out insurance and buy some sweets just in case the software goes down".
For your copy of The Threadbone Holidays Brochure 2021 head to any branch of Thomas Threadcooks Ltd [closed until at least March 2021] or join the virtual online queue at firstname.lastname@example.org. They'll send you not packing in no time!