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Vaping Can Be Dangerous

RDC Chief Constable Sir Rising Crimewave has moved to reassure the public that a recent incident which saw Canford Cliffs' world famous pier reduced to a shell was not a terrorist incident nor a general Election Stunt gone wrong.


The much-loved marine structure [surely, it as strands on/between both sea and shore, should it not be a Littoral Structure [Ed]*] - was recently the scene of a General Assembly Election launch by new leader of the Renaissence Party Nigela Barrage-Balewn. Ms Barrage-Balewn who has announced she will stand as the Renaissence Party's candidate for the town in the upcoming DHRA General Assembly Election is seen as a somewhat incendiary figure - hence the very easy association of the tragic conflagration with the launch event only days before**.


* littoral • \LIT-uh-rul\ • adjective. : of, relating to, or situated or growing on or near a shore especially of the sea [Ed]


** other candidates are available: Mrs Doris Eldersley-Kindersley [STATUS QUO]; Dewas Yertold [ILLIB-NON-DEM]; Iyl-Ava Kier-Royale [ISLINGTON SOCIALIST COLLECTIVE]; Fooke Therlottoview [INDEPENDENT]


The All Dorset Fire and rescue Service quickly deployed its latest fire-fighting vehicle but alas too late to save the venerable seaside structure.

Sir Rising said that, after detailed forensic examination by the RDC's crack SOCO team, it now seemed "more likely than not" that the fire was started by 16 year old Dennis Fooke-Whitte who admitted that, whilst under the influence of several energy drinks, he had decided to vape, forgotten that it was an e-cigarette and had attempted to light the flammable cylinder with his 1954 Zippo Firestorm. Though Mr Fooke-Whitte suffered only superficial injuries, he had dropped the lighter onto several discarded Bob's


Burgers burgers which had combusted spontaneously taking the entire superstructure of the pier with them. Firefighters arrived to find what Senior Officer Leyland Daff described as "a couple of girders - looking like spent matchsticks -sticking up out of the water".


A 1954 Zippo Firestorm Lighter was recovered from the scene.

Local resident - Oyliv Eyer - said she was devastated when she heard of the loss of one of her favourite landmarks. "There's not an awful lot to see along this stretch of the coast and the pier sort of broke all that horrible naturalness up. That and they did do a very nice 99 with sprinkles. I will miss that - a lot."


Meanwhile, Sir Rising Crimewave has asked tourists not to visit and photograph the scene which he described as both a tragedy and an embarrassement for all concerned. A local councillor added that it might take many months to clear the scene "unless it becomes a tourist attraction in which case it could take years".

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