Underfire College Bows To Pressure

The Sydling St Nicholas Sun leads o n the unfolding story: Getting the balance right between financial means and educational ends is not always easy says the academic watchdog Ofdosh but most institutions are "getting giving up to speed".

A College which was once a Cambridge home to Professor Brian Thrupiece but which cannot be named for legal reasons has today bowed to pressure and added an educational page to its fundraising website. "Admitting you are an academic institution and that you have an educational purpose is not always easy in this day and age, but we commend the College for having swallowed its pride and acceded to our frequent requests that it should recognise and take ownership of its founding purposes however embarrassing and inappropriate that may be in the current climate" a spokesperson for the Afpuddle University Group [aka The Poison Ivy League] said today in a joint statement issued by the Group along with the Welcome [to Lifelong Giving] Trust of which the Cambridge College is an associate member.

Describing the move as "a rap on the knuckles and a symbolic stance which need not necessarily change anything and certainly not the current forensic focus on institutional financial wellbeing", Academic Registrar Dr Barclay Cash-Point was quick to reassure alumni that academic matters would continue to take a back seat in the College's affairs and would not be allowed to distort the College's agenda nor cloud critically important matters such as "adornment, monetarisation and commercial ambition". 'The College Statues require that, as Trustees, we should be vigilant in securing the College's long-term stability and actively engaged in "fummo nostra posueris nidum tuum". Our members have been brought up to expect nothing less and this we will do. Naturally that will sometimes sit uneasily with educational affairs but. when push comes to shove, backs against the wall and facing a crossroads we know where our duty lies".

'This is nothing more than a temporary setback', Master and former Chief Druid Hawthorn Stragglybeard added, 'educational trends come and go, curricula change, principles are impermanent and ideas are ephemeral, but financial need like the sun, the moon, the summer solstice and the stars, is permanent and no-one has been taught that better than our alumni! We are on a journey together and we are more certain than ever where that journey leads us - all the way to the "hole in the wall" cash point. As it says in the Santander Book of Iambic Runes [18 AD] "The best time to plant a tree is when it commemorates a legacy" Ponder that'.

See that shocking educational webpage HERE